Tuesday, September 28, 2004

Maxim does Reading

Ok, yet another McSweeney’s contributor has had one of those great, clever, slapping-myself-in-the-head-for-not-thinking-of-it-myself ideas: Maxim Does The Classics.

And I could sit here and slap myself upside the head a little more, but instead I’m going to open up the floor for us (and by “us” I mean myself and the You Who Are Reading This) to put our own Maxim spin on things.

I figure I’ll start off with my take, called:

Maxim Does Great Novels of the 20th Century

Ulysses

Leopold Bloom’s wife cheats on him, so he flogs his dolphin, while Stephen Dedalus has mommy issues.

Finnegans Wake

Your guess is as good as ours, but we think that Bababadalgharagtakamminarronkonnbronntonnerronntuonnthunn
trovarrhounawnskawntoohoohoordenenthurnuk dude gets laid.

Infinite Jest

This kid Hal lives in Boston, plays tennis and does a lot of drugs while his mom (who’s MILF-tastic) screws around and his pops kills himself via microwave. Some evil Canadians try to terrorize the US (what else is new?) and Hal’s older bro tries to bag a girl so beautiful she wears a veil to keep dude’s from constantly hitting on her (thank God Catherine Zeta-Jones hasn’t tried that veil trick!)

Gravity’s Rainbow

Tyrone Slothrop suffers from an erectile dysfunction we only wish we had: when Lil’ Tyrone gets ready to go, actual BOMBS go off and the earth moves (“I know you can feel THAT baby”). And what goes screaming across the sky? If you have to ask, you’re too young to be reading this.

The Name Of The Rose

Sean Connery goes around trying to save an ancient library (he’s come a long way from 007) while Christian Slater gets to diddle a hot monk chick. Or maybe that was the movie. Whatever, like there’s any difference.

The Crying of Lot 49

Oedipa Maas used to ball this guy, but he’s dead now (maybe) and she gets probate his will (we’ve done this, it’s kinky). In doing so she meets some weird rock stars and finds (or doesn’t find) a nationwide postal conspiracy. Postal conspiracy? The only conspiracy is why they take so long with our Victoria’s Secret catalogues. (We know why they’re sticky).

Let's keep this thing going, or at least til it's no longer fun (or funny).

1 comment:

ryan james wilson said...

The Sound and the Fury:
A retard drools about his super-slutty yet girl-next-girl type sister, Caddie. Quentin (not Tarentino dumbass), Caddie's brother, may or may not have porked his sis. Jason, the other brother, tells it like it is, "Once a bitch always a bitch." Hey, it's the South, incest is great!

The Grapes of Wrath:
Quit bitching about the dirty hippie who lives next door and drinks wine and pick up this X-rated story, which ends with a super-hot breast-feeding scene. Try not to blow your Joad.


The Catcher in the Rye:
Ok, a geeky kid doesn't fit in and loses it becauses he doesn't get laid. But there is a kick-ass scene where Holden Caufield, the pecker puller, gets his wig split by a pimp. Somebody call Snoop Dogg and tell him his pimp hand's way strong!


A Farewell to Arms:
Hey, getting capped is fine, as long as you get a hot piece of ass out of the deal. Frederick Henry gets his groove on with a hottie (a nurse no less, SHWING!) after getting blown up in WWI. A lot of gushy, crying in the rain business, and Henry ultimately gets stiffed with a stupid baby when Catherine Berkeley, the nurse, dies. Bummer.


The Crying of Lot 49 (Amended):
Oedipa loses her shit and can't bring herself to stick around Mucho Maas. Mucho Maas, fuck it, somebody get me a burrito. Viva Gorditas! Oh yeah, they don't send refried beans in the mail.

Wow, that was wrong. I'm suddenly feeling incredibly guilty. How do those people write that shit? Hope all is well. Best, Ryan