Sunday, October 16, 2005

iPod Breasts?

The first part of this column’s for the guys only. Ladies, please shield your eyes and cover your ears (in case the man who’s shoulders you’re currently reading this over is one of those whackjobs that reads everything out loud.)

Ok guys, remember way back in the day…say when you were in middle school, or maybe high school (or, sadly for you, even more recently—and sorry 40-year-old virgins none of this is likely to apply to you) when you would be “rounding the bases” with some young and busty lovely and in your fumbling attempts at foreplay decided to “Tune in to Tokyo”? (Bonus laugh points if you actually said so, in a pseudo-Mork from Mork and Mindy voice.)

Well it seems some scientists long so fondly for the days of awkwardly rubbing around second base that they have laid plans to create musical breast implants. Oh, and now that the embarrassing take of male youth and boobs is over, you ladies can stop pretending you weren’t reading.

You’re so cute when you do that.

I think my first reaction to this was a series of “seriously, what the hell”s. Mainly due to the priorities the scientists involved have:

According to The Sun he said: ‘It is now very hard for me to thing of breast implants as just decorative. If a woman has something implanted permanently, it might as well do something useful.’

The sensors around the body linked through the electrical impulses in the chips may also be able to warn wearers about heart murmurs, blood pressure increases, diabetes and breast cancer.”

So, to review: this guy feels it’s better for a woman’s breasts to play music for her and anyone she lets use her new iPod Boob®, than save her life (ignoring those rare Lester Bangsian cases—which seem to happen only to music journalists and occasionally musicians—where a song saves a life)? My one piece of advice to the guy: stay away from any militant feminists for a while, especially if you value your “manhood”.

The simple fact that they feel this project is 15 years away (15 years being, not coincidentally I think, the age of the men—and add “mental age” to this so that Joe Six-pack is included with Johnny Oxy-pad—who would be most amused by musical boobs) makes me hope that people find better pipe dreams to fund.

Perhaps I was just in shock after a series of strange events this week; the other notably frightening one being seeing A.C. Slater hosting an ESPN show. I mean I know he was the athletic one from Saved By the Bell, and the kids still need work (and I’ll admit to wondering what Lisa and Kelly are up to these days…someone in the know fill me in please) but seeing Slater on EPSN was a bit of a shock (even more so than seeing Nick Lachey on ESPN Gameday, which occurred prior to noon on a Saturday and I will continue writing off as a hangover-induced bad dream). The point I think I was trying to make is that it was a bit much.

Either that, or the science geeks want this thing to work based on traditional gender stereotypes. Hypothetically, they figure that since many men (for the record ladies, your humble author is not included in this) don’t really know how to “handle” a woman’s breasts, but stereotypically men are great with electronics and gizmos (ok, I will include myself in this part), the only way for them to handle boobs is turn them into stereo equipment. Which just goes to show you that those geeks may be smart, but they may be as horny as the rest of us—if completely clueless as how to deal with said horniness.

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