A Rebuttal to "The Good Ol' Days"

If you happen to have the current edition of Vanity Fair (with a glorious cover trio of Tina Fey, Sarah Silverman, and Amy Poehler) flip to page 118.

They have some excerpts from a charmingly dated (nearly 100 years old) manual on "Don'ts an Dont's" for Wives and Husbands.

It's a disturbing window into marital life from the days when miscegenation was a crime, "speak only when spoken to honey" was doctrine, and balding, lumpy, riddled with phlebitis old white men ruled all (or, as John McCain calls it "the good ol' days.")

Well, except for the fact that Viagra wasn't invented, so loveless marriages at least had a good chance of becoming sexless marriages earlier.

Anyway, I figured I'd pull a few of their quotes, and tack on some comments to them. Mainly because it's free (free things are great in a recession) and also because my bracket is already so throughly fucked, I can't devote myself fully to basketball.

First, the "Don'ts For Wives":
"Don't expect your husband to be an angel. You would get very tired of him if he were."
-Well, duh. Because then he'd be dead, and despite what that Patrick Swayze movie may tell you, you can't have sex with a ghost. Also, don't put Baby in a corner.
Or...100 years ago Nice Guy Syndrome was going strong.

"Don't try to excite your husband's jealousy by flirting with other men. You may succeed better than you want to. It is like playing with tigers and edged tools and volcanoes all in one."
In general, I'd say it's probably best not to wildly flirt once your married...though the undertone here is that if the poor defenseless woman starts flirting, she's powerless not to have sex with whomever she's flirting with.
Gender issues aside, it's now my life's goal to somehow play with at least tigers and edged tools at the same time (working up to adding that volcano.)

"Don't bother your husband with a stream of sensless chatter if you can see that he is very fatigued."
Thanks Blanche Ebbutt, this one comment launched decades of bad stand-up comedians, and I blame for sitcoms like that crappy one with John Belushi's talentless brother.

Don'ts For Husbands:
"Don't forget that character is more important than genius. If your wife is a true woman, don't worry about the rest."
And if Mrs. Dumb-as-rocks isn't a true woman...well either you're also quite stupid (note: "she" probably shouldn't have genitials exactly like your's) or maybe you should reevaluate your sexual orientation. Don't worry, if you keep it (mostly) hidden, you can still become a prominent Republican!

"Don't scowl or look severe. Cultivate a pleasant expression even if nature hasn't blessed you with one."
I'd like to see the phrase "look severe" come back into everyday lexicon. It just sounds cool. "Dude, you look severe." "Thanks." Wish me luck on this project...my earlier attempt to resuscitate the phrase "bee's knees" was met with sour pusses and cries of "flim-shaw."

"Don't give up cricket, or football...or whatever outdoor sport you have been accustomed to just because you are married. Athletics will keep you from becoming flabby."
Well, I guess 100 years ago they didn't have the "Fat Guy+Hot Wife" shows. At least they're throwing the ladies a bone (other than...you know...)

My Thought-Out And Erudite Response To "No Cussing Day"

What the fucking fuck is this fucking nonsense?

Bill Kristol says "Democrats should read Kipling"

Is it too easy to make a joke about "White Man's Burden" at this point?

I'll resist, for now, because I can't make myself read Kristol. I'll just take Wonkette's word for it. Those blind, drugged monkeys Vegas gets from Yerkes to pick March Madness for fun get things right more than Kristol. Hell, inanimate, lifeless objects get things right more than Bill "Republicans stand for people making it on their own, but by the way, did you know my dad was Irving? Give me a job because of who my dad was" Kristol.

I Will Likely Regret This - Liveblogging the State of the Union

8:40 Yeah, here we go. Just wrapped up dinner, and I'm enjoying the last 15 minutes of Rock of Love II. I may regret eating a late dinner in about twenty minutes though. Blatant lying to millions of people kind of kicks up bile in the ol' gut.

Oh, and if you want to try a drinking game, here's my hastily made up State of the Union Drinking Game:
Drink once whenever:
1. Bush mispronounces a word.
2. Drink (2) if that word is "Nuclear".
3. Drink (2) if the word is "terror" ("terra") and stomp a foot on the ground and say "terra firma" or some Latin-based joke.
4. Take a shot whenever he refers to the Democratic Party as "Democrat Party" then flick off the TV.
5. Drink, take a shot, and flick off the TV if he lies about the FISA bill (ie, he says that he'll be unable to listen to terrorist calls if the Senate doesn't pass his bill. Which is bullshit as FISA will NOT expire. The expanded provisions that let him listen to your calls and mine with no warrant will expire Friday if nothing else happens, but NOT FISA.)
6. Drink if he makes a bad religious metaphor.
7. Burn your couch on the front lawn if he comes out and says anything like "I've lied to you all, and in the interest of doing the best thing for America, I am stepping down as President, and turning Dick Cheney over to Interpol to stand trial at the Hague. He's a bad dude...hehehe."
8. Oh, and the killer: waterfall drink for every standing O.

8:45-Great line from Rock of Love II, "We had a serious moment...and then I looked down at her breasts..." I'll say this for Bret, he's honest.

8:50-It's a rerun, but I think Kristy Jo is gone (I missed it Sunday.) Something about saying "oh, I'm still married," should get you gone. Oh and "will you stay here in this house continue to rock my world" is such a great cheesy line. Used ironically of course.

8:54-please send the French chick home. That accent is too bad to be real, and apparently all she brings to the table is getting naked. I may be wrong, but someone getting nice "Every Rose Has Its Thorn" royalty checks probably has no trouble finding incomprehensible, personality-less women willing to get nude for him.

8:57-Roxy? He sends her home? She was one of the hottest girls there, and seemed to lack the bitchiness prevalent in many of the girls on shows like this. But, he did ditch the French chick.
Ok, time to switch over.

8:59-Dancing with the Whothehellcares is still on! Gah! My eyes, the goggles do nothing!

9:00-I like how the ABC announcer emphasized "Final" in saying "the FINAL state of the union address." In a year many of us will know how Krusty the Clown felt when announcing Poochy's death. Charlie Gibson missed a branch, unless Dick Cheney isn't showing up tonight.

Of course there's no "nostalgia" here. Bush has proved time and again that he really doesn't pay attention to history (he also mentioned that he was like Lincoln and Lincoln was disliked as he left office. For those of you that hated history, Lincoln was actually pretty popular, then was shot.)

9:03-Lyndon Johnson is the one to hate for all those previous years when the State of the Union address preempted your favorite show. With the Writer's Strike still ongoing, that's not as big a factor this go round.

Is it immature of me to snicker at the combination of the words "stimulus" and "package"?

9:06-He's at ease and enjoys these things? And still continues to butcher the spoken English language? Damn Bartlett, you could've said he gets a little nervous and folks would maybe go a little easier on the whole "nukeular" thing.

I'm not going to play my drinking game tonight...I'd...die.

I think we just saw the closest thing to a smile Dick Cheney's ever done...

9:10-Well there goes my hope that he'd throw a bone to Idiocracy fans and start out with "shit..."

Now when he says "cooperate" does he still mean "do whatever I want, otherwise I veto it"?

9:12-Wages are NOT up you lying SOB! Unless he's counting the minimum wage...

Hate to break it to everyone, but this "stimulus" bill will do not a damn thing for the economy.
$150 billion is 1% of the GDP.

Ok, the IRS joke was funny. But if you made 8 figures last year, and I hear you complain about paying 29% or whatever, I'd really want to kick you in the nads (but I won't, because you can afford really nice lawyers.)

Technically, letting your tax cuts expire isn't raising taxes George.

9:15-"Belowted"? But seriously, this could be the blind squirrel finding nut moment. It took him over 7 years, but now he wants to balance a budget. And cutting earmarks, if done bipartisanship, well, that I can get behind.

So does this mean Congress can debate those FISA ad-ons in the open too?

Wouldn't patients and doctors make better decisions if there weren't profit-driven insurance companies denying coverage?

Again, what about the insurance boardrooms making the decisions about your health? No mention at all of them...

9:20-Did he seriously say, with a straight face, that "no one can deny the results" of No Child Left Behind? It's only succeeded in selling more crap textbooks brother Jeb has money in.

One of my best-friends taught at one of those private, faith-based schools. His advanced English students barely knew what a pronoun was. Unless you're planning on going to Bob Jones or Regent U, they can't prepare you for anything post HS.

9:22-From somewhere in Texas, or possibly the great beyond (I don't know if Perot is alive or not) the mention of these South American Free Trade Agreements causes Perot to mention "that giant sucking sound" again. Yes, let's have more trade agreements, because NAFTA worked so well.

Columbia eh? Someone wants some hastily-imported blow...

Michael Chertoff should not be shown on TV. Unless it's his appearance as one of the Gentlemen in the classic Buffy The Vampire Slayer episode "Hush"

(I think Chertoff is the one on the left.)

9:27-wait, did he just admit global climate change exists? Did someone kidnap him and replace him with a lookalike? Boortz'll be so distraught tomorrow.

Congress should only approve the funding when they cut the "Intelligent Design" bullshit out of it.

Dick and Nancy both look bored.

The framing behind him is terrible...red and white stripes, without blue, just makes me think of a barbershop.

9:31-Wow, he mentioned NOLA. Didn't see that coming. Heckuva job Brownie.

If we weren't spending half a trillion dollars in Iraq, we could afford the influx of Baby Boomers to Social Security and Medicaid.

Or, if like every other administration fighting multiple wars, we raised taxes to pay for it.

Just a thought/rant.

A thought I'd like to hear from some folks in D.C.: "we should also try and work with Mexico to try and alleviate some of the reasons people so adamantly want to get the hell out of there."

His first three examples of "freedom" incidentally--we didn't really have anything to do with.

9:36-Perhaps when he was at Yale or in HS, some girl named Tara dumped him and that's why it's a War on Tara. (Yeah, I know.)

Prediction for what won't be said here: "if we'd just stayed focused on Afghanistan, that whole resurgent Al Queda in Waziristan wouldn't be going on. My bad about Iraq folks."

Ten months ago, 75% of the Iraqis wanted us to just leave. But that was never really said on TV, so it can't be true right?

UPDATE: turns out Ross Perot is still alive and kicking. Thanks Wikipedia!

Imagine how great things'd be for the Iraqis if Blackwater wasn't killing them--another thing you won't here tonight.

In 2002, Al Queda wasn't IN Iraq. So it's not like we're rooting out some deep-festering group here.

9:45-What worries me is will we offer enough support for our troops AFTER the fight. (That projected total cost, per Harper's: $500,000,000,000).

9:50-I can feel it, here comes the Appeal to Fear, where he takes the "They swear to attack Washington" part and tries to scare Congress to pass that bullshit FISA ad-on.

Well, maybe not just yet...

Still waiting to hear about Pakistan, which seems to be the true royal clusterfuck and greatest threat we've got (they have nukes, and Al Queda basically has their HQ in their mountains, though it's sort of it's own place, called Waziristan, now.)

More history for you: Iran was a democracy, up until the UK and the US got rid of their elected leader and propped up the Shah.

9:59-New rule: take a drink and refer to yourself as Bob Dole until 10:02.

Oh and I had to leave the room when he started in about FISA. I can't take that level of blatant lying, gross manipulation of the facts and bullshit.

10:00-I guess that's a program that Dick and Nancy have. When I first saw it, and Cheney was reading it, I saw the cover and thought he had a copy of The Handmaid's Tale, and that he was likely reading it for ideas.

10:02-He wrapped it up just in time to end the Bob Dole stuff. And did he really not mention Pakistan at ALL? Wow...

I'm going to keep watching, because I've heard nothing but good things about Gov. Kathleen Gilligan Sebelius, but I think I can take no more of the liveblogging (and I need caffeine like mad, as George Will's sonorous voice is putting me to sleep.) Goodnight, and Good Luck.

Really, Clearly Stupid Politics

AKA, the GOP IS Col. Jessup, and they don't give a damn what you think you're "entitled" to.
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Taking a break from pointing out obvious dating issues and my sordid personal life today, instead I thought I'd stroll down a column on RealClearPolitics by Ruben Navarrette (who is clearly no Bill Kristol, as he doesn't even rate a Wikipedia entry.)

The jist of his column is this: the true biggest threat ever to face America (well, this week) is that too many non-rich folks want to be rich for doing nothing.

But let's pick apart his half-assed reasoning for fun anyway.

A stimulus may not work exactly as expected, but it's worth a try. Americans are overtaxed as it is, and anything that gets more of their tax dollars back into their hands is a good thing. And if they spend what they get, it'll be good for the economy.

Wait a tic...didn't we try this stimulus back in Dubya's first term? And here we are facing a recession again? Perhaps, if we try again, this time it'll magically work.

And "overtaxed?" Warren Buffett doesn't think he's overtaxed. The folks who are already millionaires who pay no more than 15% tax on investments (even eight-and-nine figure payouts--only 15%) aren't overtaxed.

When in the history of the US have we cut taxes repeatedly while at war? The last time we had combat missions in multiple fronts/countries was WWII and the top 1% was in a 90% tax bracket then.

But hey, maybe I'm wrong and millions of people buying a Wii will save us from recession. Even though household debt on average is higher now than any point in my lifetime. And the Wii is made in Japan. Not here.

Navarrette says "The No. 1 economic threat facing the United States today isn't globalization, stagnant wages, unfair trade policy or illegal immigration." What happened to that ol' boogeyman "global Islamofacism?" No mention of that. Only that damned sense of "entitlement."

See, if you were really smart, you would have planned on paying health insurance premiums equal to or possibly surpassed by the cost of monthly rent or your mortgage. And you would blame yourself when you're denied coverage because you naively thought the insurance company would cover your risky heart surgery that saved your life--and worse, you didn't save back 120,000 to pay for it out of pocket "just in case."

Fifty years ago, Americans were a heartier bunch. They'd grown up in the Depression and defeated Nazi Germany and the other Axis powers during World War II, and they found honor in doing any kind of work. If they didn't earn enough money doing it, they took on another job, or another one after that. Most of all, they took pride in the idea that -- in this country -- our destiny is in our own hands.

Of course, fifty years ago, wages from the middle class and the top 1% weren't at the near Gilded Age disparity they are today. American manufacturing was the envy of the world and the automobile industry became a hugely booming sector thanks to--wait for it and prepare to gasp--government spending on massive infrastructure upgrades like Eisenhower's Interstate Highway system.

But no, to Navarrette, the Greatest Generation was just better, and it's those damn kids who ruin it for the rest of us: quoth "many members of 'Generation Me' walk into job interviews brimming with self-esteem and expecting to be put on a path to a corporate vice presidency." I must have missed that memo. Also, I could have sworn the "Me Decade" was run by Boomers, none of whom are in their 20s or 30s now...

Navarrette concludes the whole diatribe by felating McCain, ending with this nonsense:

That was awfully brave. But McCain could have gone further. He could have explained that organized labor helped bring about this displacement by pricing autoworkers out of the market. He could have pointed out that many workers went along for the ride because they felt entitled to the same standard of living that their parents enjoyed but didn't want to get the extra schooling or training to achieve it. He could have said that the situation is complicated by the fact that there will always be those who won't move away from their hometowns -- even when the towns are on life support. And, finally, he could have reminded voters that they can't always blame their problems on others and that, sooner or later, they have to grow up and take control of their lives and their destiny.

Yes, that must be it. It was labor wanting too much money that's hurt the Detroit automakers. Not the folks at the top churning out the same basic stuff year after year, while the Japanese automakers offered cheaper, more reliable, and more fuel-efficient competition, and the German luxury makers smoked them on performance. That's the union's fault entirely. If one of the big three actually had some foresight to prepare for a day when oil hits $200 and had come out with a hybrid like Toyota's Prius first, I have this odd hunch that people would actually buy it.

Standard of living? Well, leaving aside that for several generations the standard of living has gone UP each time, an undergraduate degree was usually the end of the line for most of the Boomer generation, with Master's being rare. So why then does it take at least a Master's to equal what a mere Bachelor's degree got you earnings-wise? Is that somehow my generation's fault too? (and don't even go computing inflation-adjusted income to your parents kids, it ain't pretty.)

And in conclusion, is that really the campaign you'd like Sen. McCain to run on Mr. Navarrette? "Vote for me: you may lose your job, move away from a city you lived in for decades, and be poor and destitute, but I'll be honest when I say it's all your fault." Really?