Monday, January 23, 2006

Hey College Kids

Memo to:

Joey and Jessica College

Re: Y’all are dumbasses.

So after a weekend of high intellectual discourse in Atlanta and jazz-listening, imagine my surprise to check Google News Monday morning and see that college kids, by and large, are fucking dumbasses.

Harsh language?

Sure…but that might be the only way to get the attention of semi-literate (and that’s being charitable) troglodytes earning sheepskins today.

“But…uh, wait…uh…dude…,” some of them may say, “college…hard.”

Yes, “brah” it is, if you compare it to the rampant grade inflation and dumbed-down-to-a-level-that-Anna-Nicole-Smith-could-understand-it level of a curriculum some of y’all had in high school. Compared to that, yes, college is hard. But that’s like saying that Ben Affleck is a talented actor…when you compare him to Carrot Top.

Basically the news does not auger well for the future. If you “cannot interpret a table about exercise and blood pressure, understand the arguments of newspaper editorials, compare credit card offers with different interest rates and annual fees or summarize results of a survey about parental involvement in school” odds are pretty good that you’re going to wind up fat and with high blood pressure, not laugh at my old Red and Black columns (or read William Safire at all, not to mention miss the wit and humor of Bill Simmons, Chuck Klosterman, Tony Kornheiser, Dave Barry and the always hilarius Charles Krauthammer--unless of course he's serious about politics...), wind up in massive debt and mistakenly think your parents were involved heavily in your school. That last one is not so much detrimental as sadly amusing...the cherry on top of the disappointment sundae that is your future life (and according to the study, at least 50% of you won't cringe at my use of a terrible and overused "life as a tasty Dairy Queen treat" metaphor.)

But I’m optimistic. I choose to think that you’re not all dumbasses (except anyone who didn’t grow up in California who says “brah” instead of “bro”—there’s nothing to be done for you folks. If your dads own dealerships, look up the word “nepotism” and practice defending yourself from charges of it. If not…well, try and find a rich woman, because society can only handle a few talentless idiots at a time, and Flavor Flav still lives. Oh, and just so this doesn’t sound sexist, you ladies who chew your hair like cattle munching on cud and don’t aspire to anything more than sitting by the pool reading celebrity gossip in US Weekly—if y’all don’t stay in shape, and apply that yoga to the bedroom, odds are y’all will wind up societially useless as well. Also, swallow. Because the heroin chic, anorexic look is out...what did you think I meant?)

And if you aren’t all dumbasses, there has to be some other problem.

Wait for it...

Wait for it...

Ok, I’ve got it.

Quit bitching about going to class (Note: this just may be fueled by me getting sick of hearing folks who go out several nights a week living it up bitch about spending an hour in a 10:30 am class one too many times. Maybe. Or having to get up at the "ungodly" hours of ten, eleven or even nine am. But probably it’s true and for your own good. And has nothing to do with me preferring to be back in school and sleeping in and not having to wake up before sunrise. Nope, nothing at all.)

For many, their whole approach to school is bass-akwards. Class “gets in the way” of their nightlife, social life, keggers, socials, box socials (well, they have to happen somewhere...maybe not at Bob Jones U, dancing is still the work of Beelzeebub there), so they don't read and study on a semi-daily basis, and then they cram and cram just in time for tests, retaining nothing. So here’s a novel idea (the Wayans say: “MESSAGE”), try going to class with the mentality of getting something out of it. If it’s an intro class and your interest is piqued, do something crazy and read more on the subject (even though, gasp, you’re not being graded on it). You don’t have to tell your friends…just remember to charge them when they come begging you to polish their resumes or write their papers.

So shape up kids, or this guy’s coming for you.

And Red won't be smiling if you're a dumbass.

No comments: