Ron Mexico Says Happy VD

So it’s also possible that the reason I sit here on Valentine’s Day with Jack Daniels my only date (shh, don’t tell the hardcore Conservatives) is that it’s my fault. Specifically, maybe I’ve tried to date the wrong girls, or ignore the right ones.

OR

It’s because no one I’ve dated is famous. Which, logically, is ship-shape and rock-solid:

None of my relationships have “worked out”

No one I’ve dated was famous

Therefore,

If I date someone famous, it will “work out.”

(Note: math and philosophy majors, keep your traps shut for the sake of the joke.)

(Additional note: the following “which famous person should I date” poll is shamelessly “borrowed” from a blog of another prestigious former Red and Black humorist.)

Now, if I must date someone famous, they need to be A. not married (I know, I know that doesn’t really matter in Hollywood, but I don’t want potential sugar momma money tied up in court fees. Plus I have to congratulate Richie Sambora for having brass ones big enough to actually say “wait, maybe I can do better than Heather Locklear”.) and B. close enough in age that I don’t have to suffer through any Ashton-Demi level tabloid US Weekly features. With those criteria in mind, I picked a top five (see below, if you aren’t already checking them out) and it’s up to YOU to pick the first one who’s lawyer/PR people will likely send me a form letter.

1. Jessica Alba.

Pros: Seriously…look at this girl. Also, I vaguely remember her talking about her “practice” for the role of Nancy in Sin City. The smile the voice, she could say nothing interesting in Maxim interviews—but does. Plus, she at least shows up at sporting events, so there’s a potential shared like of sports.

Cons: Honey and Into the Blue look like terrible movies. She allegedly once dated Derek Jeter (I respect the player, but hate the Yankees). Oh, and she mentioned liking Coldplay, and their new album X & Y is the most overdone wanna-be bit of U2 in existence. So I’m crossing my fingers that she just likes “the Scientist” and “Clocks” like 85% of Coldplay fans.

2. Scarlett Johansson

Pros: You’ve seen the Vanity Fair cover right? Any girl who has no problem showing her ass while cozeying up to the man who made Gucci even more famous whilst also snuggling up to Keira Knightly is fine by me. Plus, she picks great movies to appear in.

Cons: I can’t think of much at the moment…the best I’ve got is maybe she could get some sun?

3. Mandy Moore

Pros: I am not going to say much here, instead, I’ll just cite her two episodes of Scrubs as evidience of both extreme hotness and near-terminal adorableness. Also, she can look amazing with long or short hair, blonde or brunette.

Cons: I’m not sure if she’s still making albums, but I wasn’t a fan of the music (even if she did have a former member or RATT as a touring guitarist), or the Nicholas Sparks-adapted movies she started her acting career with.

On the plus side, I don’t really watch tennis, so there’d be no chance of exposure to any famous ex on my TV.

4. Brittany Murphy

Pros: Cuteness aside, listen to that voice. She’s like Tara Reid without the “man I probably ought to go to the doctor” afterwards feeling. Plus, a few years back I caught some random documentary where she was singing, and she was damn good.

Cons: I think she might be really tiny, which puts her at risk of getting cut by my “I can’t date girls under 5’2” rule. Plus there’s always the risk of King of the Hill groupies.

5. Jennifer Morrison

Pros: She’s not a doctor, but she plays one on tv. Plus, her birthday is close enough to mine that I’d be able to remember it easily (even if she’s not on MySpace of Facebook).

Cons: She might not be famous enough. If I didn’t say “she’s Cameron on House” would you know who she was? Plus she hasn’t appeared in any 3-girls to the shower scenes like the cast of Grey’s Anatomy.

So choose, but choose wisely, or I’ll trot this guy out again…