Young and Stupid You Say?

("Well, I know we're here together, but she doesn't really like me...")


Some folks may read the previous post and say "wait, you were between the ages of 23 and 25. How exactly is that young and stupid?"

Well, aside from your rudeness shown in questioning me, it may warrant further explanation.

Way back in the happy and carefree days before I got braces, I went to the dentist for a head x-ray (it was to get a good look at my jaw and teeth but insert your own "you need your head examined now" jokes...just make 'em good, consarnit). What I primarily remember about all that is the revelation that my bone structure was aging "six years behind 'normal'." My "I want to go to Med School and be a doctor" phase ended sometime in ninth grade (and mainly started because Stacy H____ and Katie H____ both mentioned they wanted to be cardiologists--example #418 of the boneheaded decisions I made whilst a high schooler) so I have no idea exactly what that "ages at a different rate" stuff means, though I am skeptical enough to wonder if a dentist should be talking about things that I'd find far more credible coming from someone who went to Med School.

But for the purposes of this column, let's believe him. It would explain why even after I reached legal drinking age in college, I was still having to buy larger-sized shoes, and just may explain why I was able to grow from a barely 6'1 college freshman to a nearly 6'3 fifth year senior.

And then, it stands to reason, that since my bones were growing slower, and boys are alleged to mature slower than girls anyway, whatever hepped-up-on-goofballs-so-he-takes-his-sweet-ass-time pituitary gene in my brain caused the late growth spurts can also be to blame for my comical if it didn't happen to me inability to understand even basic-oh-hell-Johnny-Moron-Gets-It things about the fairer sex. Consider: it took me until I was 22, and a girl was attempting to pull my jeans down in DT's that A. hey, maybe the days of me being the skinny kid with braces are over and B. most girls don't blatantly hit on guys, yet it's happened to me often--perhaps this reinforces point A and also, it's just possible that I've been missing plenty of subtle shit too.

I wasn't cured overnight of course, there were frequent lapses (and it occasionally happens now...though sometimes I intentionally ignore signals just to see if I can feel really wanted. Yes, I know. Asshole. But come on, every once and a while you do it too.) I remember a particularly humiliating day at Sanford stadium, my first "football date" with Amanda, when Mini-Me and company proceded to rip on me for not responding in any way to this blonde girl they alleged was "seriously into" me at their flag football game the previous night. They were crazy...sure her roomate or good friend or someone was playing football and she was talking and staring at me the whole time but she didn't...oh. Wait.

See?

Young and stupid.