Friday, October 13, 2006

Whoa-oh, We're Halfway There (pt.2)

It’s been a crazy first half of the season in the SEC. In a way, Georgia’s D is synecdochic of the entire conference: looks really amazing at times, but you still aren’t quite sure what you’re getting. (Much like people seeing hair bands may have felt in the early 80s).

(New Jersey, like Gainesville, FL, is a desolate place no one sane person wants to visit.)
For the first few weeks, Florida’s schedule looked like a murder’s row—especially the back-to-back LSU and Auburn games. After last weekend, they look suddenly manageable. But not easy. Which is why… Florida’s living on a prayer. The prayer is that their two-qb offense, Leak and his sidekick Teebow the Cro-Magnon QB, can put up enough points that the murderous D can win them games. UF’s offense and defense are a lot like Jon Bon Jovi and Ritchie Sambora: Jon and the offense get the most attention, but the band and the team would be nowhere without Sambora’s riffs (and the bitchin’ talkbox on “Prayer”) and Florida’s very legit D. So Florida’s (unfortunately) the best team in the conference, and they’re Bon Jovi (arguably one of the most successful, if not best bands from the 80s).

(Proud inheritors of "The Keith Richards Gene")

LSU is the group of talented guys that keeping fucking up and doing dumb things, so natrually, they're Motley Crue. Dumb things don't totally doom you though. That's why the Crue could spend the 80s boozing, snorting and injecting everything in sight (or attempting to have sex with it), and still sell millions of records. It's the same reason LSU can average 40 a game when not playing a good D.

(C.C., you've got your guitar on backwards...)

Georgia, is Poison. There's popularity, a top 25 ranking, and you believe there's talent (after all, look at the recruiting rankings, and the fact that Itsahk Perman gave C.C. DeVille guitar lessons) but you're not 100% they're as good as when you first saw them. Also, C.C.'s "house of horrors, house of whores" thing on VH1 still cracks me up.

(Yes, that is The Orgeron under the mask)

Ole Miss=Quiet Riot. Quiet Riot used to count among their ranks a badass guitar player named Randy Rhodes, but they weren't as famous as they wanted to be, and Randy Split. Folks who saw what Cutcliffe did with Danny Ainge's Inbred Nephew and what they did to the UGA D can see where this comparison is going...

(Plus, they look like Techies...)

Vanderbilt=Stryper. Ah yes, there was a Christian hair metal band, just like Bobby Johnson doesn't allow cursing. And yes, both of them suck most of the time...unlike say...

("Best Of"=Blank CD)

Mississippi State=Britny Fox. Who? Exactly.

Stay tuned, I'll wrap this up this weekend...

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