What I Do Watch, and Some Reasons Why

Ok, after complaining about ABC, I think it's time to offer the flip-side, just so I don't feel too curmudgeonish.

Non-Sports Shows I Watch:

(Currently Showing New Episodes, or Will Soon *Fingers Crossed*)

House
Hugh Laurie may have perfected the likable misanthrope with his portrayal here. Jennifer Morrison (and now Olivia Wilde) provide lab-coated eye candy, and the whole thing is a modern-day, medical riff on Sherlock Holmes (no, seriously. Wilson is Watson, and for those of you who only know about Holmes from cartoons, he was a fan of drugs in Doyle's novels, much like House is a fan of other drugs on the series. And they have the same apartment #.)

30 Rock
Funniest. Show. Currently. On. TV. There. Summed it up in five words. Here's a clip.


Scrubs
The last season should start up again at some point, if NBC.com is to be believed. Last season hit a bit of snag with the mysteriously disappearing pregnant girlfriend and the whole Pvt. Dancer plot, but rebounded to its old levels of greatness towards the end. The big question to me going into the final season is just what they plan on doing w/r/t J.D. and Elliot. They may compare them to Ross and Rachel, but that soulmate vibe has not been there. Whither J.D.'s love life? Maybe, just maybe, Dr. Dorian will come to terms with being single (because honestly, when you've bedded Heather Graham, Mandy Moore, Tera Reid prior to Taradise and the bad plastic surgery, Amy Smart, and Elizabeth Banks, among others, the self-pity can come across kinda petulant.)

(Dr. Reid=Yowza. Or however she'd say in German.)

South Park
Best satire on TV still, and Cartmen getting Tourette's was a great season premiere. Cartoon Wars was a brilliant way to tackle both the Family Guy comparisons and the Dutch Cartoon issue.

The Simpsons
It's been around almost as long as college freshmen (note: wow I'm old) but it still has it's moments. Hopefully the entire season won't focus on unlikely events like private jets and opera-singing Homer though.

Family Guy
The manatees do good work, especially when parodying Star Wars.

Desperate Housewives (sometimes)
It is pretty much a Couples Show (n. a show watched primarily by single women or boyfriends sucked into the show because their girlfriend or someone they dated decided it would be good to watch together) but a damn well-written one. And while in real-life she probably only comes up to Tony Parker's shin, Eva Longoria is not too hard on the eyes.

(In Reruns But Worth A Gander)

Flight Of The Conchords
Go ahead, find me a better show about a struggling New Zealand folk/comedy-rock act. That can do a spot-on impersonation of David Bowie.


Entourage
Vincent Chase's boys are living pretty much every male fantasy. It's funny, well-acted, well-written, and merely watching 4 episodes in a row has nursed me back to health before.

Rescue Me
Now that The Sopranos has stopped believing, someone please get Dennis Leary an Emmy...

But sports has been dominating my TV lately.

See for example, this week's lineup:

Monday: Pats-Bengals game on ESPN
Tuesday: House
Wednesday: Red Sox-Angels; South Park (plus bits of Real World: Sydney. I'm amazed they let the bearded southern guy on the show...his accent is near-Boomhouer bad, but he makes sane, intelligent points. I didn't think they allowed that on MTV.)
Thursday: 30 Rock, SoCar-Kentucky
Friday: Red Sox-Angels
Saturday: Mucho college Football

So here's a fun homework assignment: take the above shows, and craft the perfect TV show for me.

My TV Girlfriends

It's Saturday afternoon, I should be cleaning and doing laundry, but instead, I'm going to shamelessly rip off an old blog post idea from Jamie...and, obviously, switch the gender around.

Taylor Townsend (The OC) - Why It'd Work: Taylor's probably an even bigger Lit Snob/nerd than I am. We could spend our Sundays alternating between doing the NY Times crossword together and hunting for grammar errors in Safire's On Writing column. We're both late bloomers (though technically I'm a later bloomer). Her affair with Dean Hess proved that an older guy isn't an issue (and the whole Henri-Michel thing proves a whole bunch of other things I'm not getting into here.) We both have unfortunate tendancies towards John-Hughes-RomComian Big Romantic Gestures.
Why It Wouldn't: Between the two of us we'd set a land-speed record for over-analysis after I went to stand outside her window with a boombox for our one month anniversy and she planned an elaborate stakeout at my apartment.

Dr. Elliot Reid (Scrubs) - Why It'd Work: We're both slowly but surely overcoming some long-standing insecurities. She's not just a really hot, smart doctor, she's also there for her friends. We both enjoy the works of William Shakespeare, and I'd clearly wow her with my karaoke skills.
Why It Wouldn't: Finding time to spend together would be difficult; and while I've said writing and/or music comes over any girl to myself and to friends, on two previous occassions a girl has wound up dominating my thoughts at the expense of one or the other. And when that's not returned, things fall apart.
Danni Sullivan (Scrubs) - Why It'd Work: Yeah she moves fast, but not without the right checkpoints (i.e. asking "are you as into this as I am?"). Fun, caring, and looks like Tara Reid before the hard partying and Taradise sent her career to a toilet on the hospital roof.
Why It Wouldn't: She apparently drinks and makes out with random guys at weddings. I doubt I could avoid other people's weddings forever, and that'd be that.
Summer Roberts (The OC) - Why It'd Work: She clearly has a thing for quirky, funny, slightly neurotic guys that enjoy books by Michael Chabon. She's driven and knows what she wants (well, mostly), and bucks the trend of California girls getting tiny, mostly hairless rats, calling them dogs and dressing them up in inane outfits. And calling the bunny "Pancakes" is irrisistably cute.
Why It Wouldn't: hit movie aside, I'm sorry, I'd make fun of Al Gore. And I like eating meat. Vegetarianism is one of my top 5 all-time potential-relationship enders.

Buffy Summers (if you can't figure out what show she's on...) - Why It'd Work: Remember when I was talking about expecting a girl to save me? She literally could. Demi-god-like powers wrapped in an incredibly pretty package; she's cunning, brave, caring and would be great on camping trips (because of the tents needing stakes...I know...I know).
Why It Wouldn't: I'd like to say I'd wind up attempting to be her better version of Riley...but let's be honest. Real-life vampires coming after me probably sends me the other way.

Anya (from Six Degrees) - Why It'd Work: She's passionate and gorgeous, and not commitment-shy, but also a great photographer. I'd prefer dating women with artisting leanings (music, writing, painting, etc.) versus those that don't.
Why It Wouldn't: I have no background in photography and she'd dump me to go after one of her inspirations. I guess...the show got cancelled/put on hiatus and her character's only sort of developed.
Bridget Keller (What About Brian) - Why It'd Work: Seriously? Dude, she looks like Krista Allen. The dimples, the cheekbones, the incredible booty...plus she has no qualms going after someone once she decides they're worth going after. As a guy who doesn't always make the first move, that's awesome.
Why It Wouldn't: she's dated a father, then his son. That's a bit icky. She's also shown some drama queen-tendancies.

Dr. Izzie Stevens (Grey's Anatomy) - Why It'd Work: We're both hopeless romantics and, while I've never played fast and loose with the Hippocratic Oath (or dated anyone with a heart condition for that matter), we both know that sometimes what makes sense to your head isn't the best option. Plus (and someone who hasn't been busy watching The OC and Scrubs at 9 on Thursdays who's seen the show lately correct me if I'm wrong) she's got a really ginormous check, so the whole worries about money thing wouldn't be doom for the relationship.
Why It Wouldn't: The love of her life hasn't been dead a year. People getting out of horrible breakups usually hope for a rebound at best...death? Plus the whole conflicting schedule hours problems I'd have with Dr. Reid.
Meadow Soprano (The Sopranos) - Why It'd Work: She looks a lot like Marissa Tomei (who I think is the bee's knees), plus, while she's smart, driven and competitive, she hasn't actually killed anyone herself...and clearly she's not too devoutly Catholic.
Why It wouldn't: Meeting dad could be worse than awkward...plus her brother's really, really annoying. It'd be even uglier if I asked if they had Johnny Cakes...

Sloan McQuewick (Entourage)-Why It'd Work:E's late season 2, most of season 3 girlfriend might be the type of girl that only exists in fiction: gorgeous, smart, from a ridiculously wealthy family, and OK with asking her hot best friend to join in a drunken, one-time-only threesome. She pulled strings with her dad to get E a big-time job offer, but supported him when he backed Vince (and less money) instead.
Why It Wouldn't: I've been in a situation where I thought someone was too amazing once before and damned if I didn't find a "flaw" and fuck that up. "Why are you with me?" isn't a good relationship question, and if that didn't happen, well...maybe I'd settle down with me perfect TV girlfriend and wake up one day with a tv wife...

Arrested Development: More than just a sit-com or early 90s rap group...

"The world's gone mad
And I have lost touch
I shouldn't admit it
But I have.
It slipped away while I was distracted
I haven't changed
I swear I haven't changed
How did this happen? I didn't feel myself
Evaporating... "

--"The Invisible Man" - Marillion

I have a bit of a confession: I'm an only child, so it was years before I realized it was, shall-we-say not that normal, but I talk to myself sometimes. It's normally while I'm driving somewhere, but sometimes the old inner monologue spills out, like on one of those His/Her Story eps on Scrubs where JD gets out of his head. But there's a problem: in all these self-Socratic dia-monologues I neglected a really important question:

“So, are you really happy with your life overall, and where it might be going?”

(It was easier for them, they all worked at a hospital. Plus JD got to date Tara Reid before she went downhill, Mandy Moore, and Sarah Chalke, whose hotness is oft-underrated.)

If I wanted to get into self-psychoanalysis (which I think is probably somewhere between practicing moderate invasive surgery on oneself without going to med school and giving oneself a haircut) I might say I didn’t ask because deep down, I knew the answer, and I wouldn’t like it.

But late this month, I finally did ask the question, after kicking it around in various forms since early December, and I realized I’d also started wondering it in less coherent (more felt than thought) back this summer. It was the root cause of the funk.

Someone incredible came into my life in the fall, and it was great. But also, it was probably too great. If she’d had more flaws, or acted more indifferent, or even done something little like mentioning that she loved The Simple Life and thought Paris Hilton was misunderstood, deep down (and even that last point might not have been enough…I did end up taping Project Runway for her, but thankfully never had to watch it. And on an additional TV-related note, one I’m probably near 100% alone in, but I can’t seem to find any likeable characters on Grey’s. Maybe I’m making excuses since it’s on opposite Scrubs and The OC, and my DVR can only handle recording two shows at a time, but the hotness of Katherine Heigl alone can’t make me tune in.)

(Sure, she's easy on the eyes, but that didn't help me enjoy Bride of Chucky either...)

But the point is, what really wound up killing things between us is I stopped questioning whether I was happy with a low-paying, nothing-to-do-with-my-major day job (which had rejected me for a promotion) and a dwindling number of local friends (it’s mildly ironic that I moved back to Athens because almost all my friends were there and almost none were in Atlanta—now the opposite’s true). As much as I just sang her praises above, after about a month I was doing far worse. Sure, I kept some of the crazier notions to myself (exception: I did propose a trip to someplace tropical if I were to win the lottery, but that was crazy for the logistical unlikelihood of my winning more than anything) but I pretty quickly began at least making the transition from “crazy about you” to “annoying you.”

I claimed I didn’t push for committed relationship, and that was technically true…but I also was that guy that tried some form of communication daily, and pouted when I didn’t get a response. In other words, I wound up doing the same things that really annoyed me in prospective girlfriends. I don’t want to say I was needy, because “need” I still like to think is a bit much, but saying I was “wanty” doesn’t sound right either (perhaps because, as made-up words go, “wanty” leaves me wanting.)

(Do this and say "but I don't want a girlfriend" at best is sending brobdingnagianly mixed messages.)

By the time my car was wrecked, and my two buddies at work quit and got “let go” (leaving me with no one to talk to at work), I was blind to being “that guy” because at that point, I didn’t have anything else to immediately look forward to in life.

(Yes, perhaps life would be different if I worked in a large office with an elevator where I could run into my boss's girlfriend's sister who looks similarly hot...)

A mantra of “it could be worse” can only go so far, so here I am now with a few realizations:

1. Moving back to Athens was a nice idea at the time, but I really do feel too old for this place. Sure it’s nice to know I could easily date attractive ladies who aren’t old enough to legally drink, but there’s not too much potential fun in that now. Instead there’s jealousy on my part that she gets to sleep in, anger when she complains about class, lectures on how horrible the real world is and how she should never, ever graduate from me, and it ends badly.
2. I stuck around after graduation partly for the wrong reasons, but mainly because I figured the extra year would help with grad school…some poor money management and employment choices ruined the whole application process though. I moved back with the same plan, but things kept coming up. I decided I wasn’t ready for grad school until I actually finished a book, which was a good move (I’m convinced they can spot the MFA candidates applying just so they don’t have to go to a day job any more.)
3. I neglected address the issue of how I’d support myself until I finished a book and either became famous, or went to get my Master’s. Oh I could look towards the future, but it was more issues of “I don’t have a date for New Year’s” or “oh no, my dateless Valentine’s Day streak will continue”, not “ok, can I stay at this job and be happy for another year or more?”
4. A good one, finally: perhaps, as I was initially wrong that there was nothing more than the dial and waiting tables/bartending in the spectrum of Athens jobs, I was likewise wrong about how an aspiring musician or writer must work a job unrelated at all to his dream field, or that it must be low-paying. Sure, William Gaddis probably wasn’t as happy doing fact-checking for the New Yorker as he was while writing, but it might not have been all bad either. My original rationales of: it’s only for a short time, and since it’s not taxing, my brain will be refreshed are both flawed. The “short time” argument probably ceased being accurate at least a year ago, maybe sooner, and far too often, my “non-taxing” day jobs have left me exhausted.
5. I’m quite picky in relationships, not picky at all with jobs. Part of this is because of the obvious point that if I’m single, no one will kick me out of my apartment or take my stuff away, but if I’m unemployed, those things could happen. But the fact that since graduating I’ve only worked one job that required a college degree (and it was temporary and part-time to boot) has caught up with me. Maybe it was some twisted, rebellious and overly-romanticized notion of the struggling artist, not committing to some money-grubbing “career.” Or maybe it was lazyness, and a stubborn insistence on not networking. Either way, it’s gotta change.
6. Last, but damn sure not least: I’m uncomfortable about the (small) amount of money I make currently. Part of this is related to #5 above, but it’s one that’s been lurking beneath the surface for years. I often would fall into the Wealth Envy Paradox: stating that anyone making substantially more than me couldn’t possibly be happy, to justify to myself having so little disposable income that I haven’t had a vacation since 2002. And for dating, it was easier to brand any women that had ever dated an older man as a gold-digger than say to myself “you know, if you had an actual salaried job, you could afford to get her more than mix CDs regularly, if she liked that sort of thing.”
7. The big one: I really, really, can’t keep going the way things are currently. I can’t be 28, living in Athens, clinging to hopes of winning the lottery, going to grad school “next year”, or a near-perfect potential girlfriend somehow magically making all my troubles go away. I’m going after the previously dreaded capital-letter Real Jobs, and they’re likely going to be in Atlanta. I’m not going to quit writing my book, and I’m not giving up on the band. But I have to give up settling for unfulfilling, low-paying day jobs, and weekends where I don’t go out if there’s not a concert I want to see (which I invariably go to alone), or a party where there’s occasionally a good chance I’ll either feel too old, or too single. Pretty much from 1998 until 2007 I’ve lived in Athens, but it’s time to move on and grow up.

(Joining the Blue Man Group however: not an option I'm considering.)

And yes, it’s scary as hell, and also means I have to admit that all my friends that gave me skeptical glances when I said I was moving back to Athens were right, and it means risking finding out whether it really is worse to try and fail than to not try at all yet again…but it also seems saner than convincing myself I’m John Cusack and she’ll make it all better, or that every Tuesday might be my last day at work because this is the day my number comes up.

Wish me luck.