On Second Chances (part one)

There’s a great line in David Mamet’s 2000 comedy State and Main that goes: "the only second chance you get in life is the chance to make the same mistake twice," and it’s a pretty clever one. For my money the film’s best line is Walt Price (William H. Macy)’s line that "it’s not a lie, it’s a gift for fiction," but I can’t get that to fit the subject at hand. And that subject is second chances, in life and in fiction. (And please, do give me a second chance after this semi-awkward intro.)

Career and random life second chance moments are out there, but the second chance situations I’ve been thinking about the most lately are relationship second chances. And to avoid any semantic quibbling later, let me just say that for the duration of this article, when I say "second chance" I’m not meaning it in a literal "there was the initial, first chance, and now there’s this, the second chance," but rather the colloquial use of the phrase. It’s not so much a gift for fiction as it is covering my ass…and feel free to make the joke that I used entirely too many words to cover so tiny an ass.

The protagonist in the novel I’m writing is having second chances coming at him from all sides: does he want to try again with his college girlfriend, even though he previously thought he’d moved on and remains somewhat convinced she certainly moved on? Does he give a second chance to a girl he meets early in the novel but decided against dating on the sole basis that she has a name that is homophonically identical to his college ex's? What makes us want to try again? Or, to flip things around, what makes us want to give someone another shot?

In film and TV the romantic comedy and Drama genres are chock-full of second chances. In The Graduate Ben starts off being 100% opposed to dating Elaine (the main reason being the whole having boffed her mom, but let’s not underestimate the emasculating effect having your parents and their friends setting you up can achieve), and then thinks better of it. After having been a world-class cad (I figure "cad" is the period-appropriate word for taking a girl to a strip club for your first date in the 60s…I might be wrong) Ben then shoots for a second chance to win Elaine over…and he does. Things go along swimmingly until Mrs. Robinson attempts one of the dreaded Six Ultimate Cockblocks(it's #3: "the mom of the girl you're dating tells her daughter she's getting mommy's sloppy seconds.") Elaine goes back to Berkeley, and Ben tries again. And here’s the question that didn’t come up in my Film Studies class when we talked about The Graduate: Elaine’s dating Carl, and, while the guy’s clearly not the smoothest re: interpersonal relations ("he said he thought ‘we’d make a good team’" is hands-down one of the lamest proposals out there) she doesn’t seem to dislike him, so what convinces her to give this guy, who remember she thinks raped her mom, another shot? (And yes, they don’t make romantic comedies like they used to…) Oh sure, when Elaine visits Ben at Norman Fell’s House For Random Guys (Plus Richard Dreyfuss) Ben explains his side and Elaine believes him…but what made her show up in the first place? Why the second chance? (I’m going to probably go with a repetitive asking of this question throughout, but my theory is that at least part of Elaine knew her mom was likely full of it, because a woman like Mrs. Robinson’s probably strayed from the marital bed before.)

Or look at the television relationship of the late 90s: Ross and Rachel (me, I’ll focus mostly on looking at Rachel circa roughly ’94-95…and then briefly curse Adam Duritz for dating Jennifer Anniston at her peak of physical "ohmydamn"-ness). The show’s writers made a Bach fugue out of the second chances in this relationship. First you have the initial theme: Rachel is Ross’s great unrequited love. She was (rather inexplicably, if you think how most popular girls treat fat girls in cliquey high schools) friends with his younger sister, he fell for her, she didn’t notice him, but he still would’ve gone as her back-up date to prom. Flashforward to the post-college years: Rachel bails on what she realizes would have been a loveless marriage, moves in with Ross’s sister, and the first months of his second chance to tell Rachel how he feels showing the world what emo was before emo became popular and the guys in Panic! At the Disco still thought girls had cooties. Ross missed his shot, Rachel started dating a swarthy European guy, and Ross left for China…but one of his emo moments is accidentally revealed by Chandler and Rachel falls for him. In counterpoint, now Ross has the girlfriend and it’s Rachel who has to pine away in secret…until she leaves a drunken message, and then Ross shows up at the coffee show and America collectively goes "Awww." (Yes, I’m doing this from memory…I know, I know…I really need a job again.) Then Rachel gets a real job, and there’s a picnic basket and stress and they go "on a break" in which Ross bangs a copy shop girl (who for all the hype about how hot she was turned out to be kind of "meh" to me at least.) Cheating, or on a break? Didn’t matter.

Relationship over. But it wasn’t. Rachel would go on to convince Ben Stiller’s wife-to-be to shave her head bald in an attempt to get Ross back, and then write an 18-page letter ("front and back") Ross would have to agree to. Ross eventually finished reading the letter, balked, and they split again. Ross got engaged, Rachel had doubts, talked poor Dr. House’s ear off on the plane to England and ruined Ross’s second marriage before it really started (and in her defense it needed to stop). With help from Relationship Relapse’s best buddy alcohol, they got married in Vegas. A while later they’d relapse for one night only and it resulted in Rachel having Ross’s second child. When the series ended, they agreed to give it another shot, and audiences figured this one might last. All told it was a spectacular number of chances given from Ross to Rachel and Rachel to Ross, again and again. But why? How many times can you hear "we were on a break" shouted at you before you say "screw it, we’re done. For good."

(Cynical, non-romantic note: ok, the short answer for why Ross gets so man second chances with Rachel and say, Joey gets the one-and-done treatment is market research said people wanted Ross and Rachel to eventually end up together, and advertising dollars--especially when the principal cast made seven figures per episode--and not true love rules all when it comes to TV relationships. But, the romantic side chimes in, we still have to believe the motivation for the second chance, or the whole thing tanks.)

Or let’s look at a more contemporary variation on that theme (or two): Seth Cohen and Summer Roberts. You've got the nerdy, emo-loving, Michael Chabon reading (not something that should totally result in social ostricastion--though one paperback version of Wonderboys does apparently look, from a distance, like He's Not That Into You--I just wanted to point it out because it's rare for PEN/Faulkner winners to be lauded on mainstream television and I'm a writing nerd like that) has had a brobdingnagian crush on local hottie Summer Roberts since grade school. Forget second chances, she hasn't even given him a first chance. Until "Chino" shows up, Seth crashes a "rager" and slowly but surely, Summer starts thinking "maybe he's not that bad." Seth then repeatedly screws up (1st by attempting to date Anna and Summer, then by attempting to sail to Tahiti, and on and on it goes...see the wiki episode guide for more) and yet they keep getting back together. Summer believes she's moved on with Zach--he's got Seth's comic book love and smarts, but he's a water polo player and Dad likes him--but finds that similarities on paper don't add up in person.

My theory on this is that the reason behind wanting a second chance and granting one is far closer to being a "gut feeling" or "hunch" or any related word or phrase that you can't easily articulate. Maybe it's self-defense (because sometimes your friends will say "what? Why are you going down that road again?" and you don't have a drawn out line of defense.)

Maybe it's something else...and sometimes...it's not worth it (more on that later this week.)

Easy Like Sunday Morning (Evening) Quick Hits...

=>The OC series finale was good stuff (check back later for further thoughts--I plan on name-checking a DFW essay in accordance with the series as a whole and it's apt to be very pretentious stuff).

=>In a move that should surprise no one, Grey's Anatomy decided not to kill of their title character (and from the parts I did see, exhibited possibly the worst case of hybrid preaching-to-the-converted/tell-not-show writing ever with the whole "Derek Shepard is perfect" speech. Again, it's not poorly-written overall, but for a so-called "perfect guy" he seems to have a good share of flaws too. But I'm going to stop now because if I keep ranting I'll either sound like a beginning creative writing teacher--which isn't bad, just not what I'm going for--or that I've got some sort of crush on Patrick Dempsey. Which I don't...but I am jealous of his hair. A little bit.)

=>The Oscar's are tonight, and I'll probably watch at least part of them. But, much like this year's Superbowl, the most I can work up is mild indifference. I haven't seen most of the best pic nominees (and have zero interest in seeing Dreamgirls...non-comedic musicals don't interest me at all, and if they star an American Idol runner-up, I'm even less interested) but at the same time, there aren't any movies I did see that I really felt were amazing enough for me to complain about their snubs. And I'm sure Ellen DeGenneres can be better as host than, say Whoopi Goldberg, but a return engagement from Jon Stewart would've been a lot nicer. About the only real edge we might risk tonight is someone putting on a bald wig and being hauled off to rehab at show's start, only to check back out (and in) multiple times throughout the show. But it's still the Oscars, so that means Desperate Housewives gets pre-empted, and FOX probably won't air any new eps of The Simpsons or Family Guy, and I should be more productive with my evening I guess, but I've been outside doing stuff (mostly working out and reading on the clubhouse porch--global warming isn't all bad) most of the afternoon.














(Yep, it's been so warm this weekend that there were even people out by the pool dressed similarly to my favorite VH1 Fame Game star not named CC DeVille, Andrea Lowell.)

California Here We Come (For The Last Time) Pt. 1

After tonight, Thursday evening TV will be a lot different (for the last time, I'm not talking about Greys! I know nothing) as The OC comes to an end. It's come a long way from the show I thought from early episode previews was nothing more than another annoying teen soap (and maybe I was a little uncomfortable that the hotness of Katie Holmes alone suckered me into watching Dawson's Creek back in the day) with a lead actor that looked like a young Russell Crowe, a lead actress that looked a lot (at first, to me) Lilah on Angel (but turned out to be a really older-looking 17-year old with the unlikely first name of Mischa) plus The Player's Larry Levy as an ex-hippie public defender.

























(It wasn't just about these folks...)

Clearly the promos and previews (I remember in particular one for the episode in which Caleb's 20-something girlfriend shows up and seduces Ryan) did the show a disservice. Oh sure there was plenty of sex and drama and really attractive people running around in next-to-nothing. But almost every tv-show has that (hell, even Ugly Betty not only throws in Salma Hayek as a special guest star, they throw in scantily-clad Salma Hayek as a guest star). It wasn't just Summer and Marissa (and Alex, and Lindsay, and Taylor, and Jess, and well there were a lot of hot women on the show, including Kirsten Cohen and Julie Cooper) chilling on the beach in bikinis that forced me to either tune in every night The OC was on (or set the VCR or DVR to record it, or call friends who I know watched to find out what happened on nights I either had to work late or went to an early-starting party). Nope, it was because the show could genuienly blend comedy with drama (well, when it was working right) and that even when the writing got sloppy, there was enough invested in the characters to stick around.













(It was about all these folks, and a few more...)

Now in the fourth and final season I can count on one hand (and it can be a hand that's had a few digits hacked off) the number of people I know that still watch (again, FOX, great scheduling move putting the show on against CSI and Grey's and promoting it not a whit either during the World Series or your horrid BCS bowl coverage. Why couldn't you have put your best against their best? American Idol vs. CSI vs. Grey's. Now that's a fair fight.) The writing started getting sloppy late in season two (was Shannon Lucio really so busy they couldn't bring her back for Caleb's funeral?) and season three, which temporarily looked interesting with its Bizzaro World characters quickly became a huge train wreck. I had hopes that season four would be better (creator Josh Schwartz was back, the season 3 finale was well-done), but again the previews didn't help. Ryan Atwood: cage fighter? Summer Roberts: hippie?

But I should've known that one-minute clips or snippets viewed while Grey's was on commercial break aren't enough to judge (and to be fair I didn't have remote access at the time--the channel-surfing was lift to the whims of another and I still ascribe to the rule of the house/condo/loft/tarpaper shack's owner/resident gets remote privaleges unless said privalages are expressed granted to another.)

















(High school is different there: everyone gets lei'd)

Season four's been the best since season one, and that's saying a lot (I'll expound on this more in "Pt. 2" tomorrow, which'll include early thoughts from tonights series finale). People who wrote the show off at some point last season that gave it another shot (because ABC at least does like reruns, and putting shows on short hiatus between new episodes--as a LOST fan I know this) came away pleasently surprised (note for posterity, for some of these people the fact that Butch Walker provided the music probably helped things out A LOT, as their may be a strong pro-Butch bias. I say this in case some readers thought my vague language was indicative of a real, honest marketing/scientific study as opposed to me attempting to talk about people I know without mentioning them by name.)

And now, here is Excerpts From A Work In Progress's Top 10 The OC Episodes:

10. The Swells - Yeah, sorry, I know it's easy to try and forget season 3 ever existed, what with the mysteriously aging Kaitlin Cooper, and Dean Hess and all the other crap (plus Johnny's bid to rival Oliver for sheer whiny annoyance), but some good did come out of it. And it started with this episode. The lock-in part of the plot revealed that there was a lot more to Taylor Townsend than her manipulative side.



9. The Sleeping Beauty / The Night Moves (tie) - Yeah, I'm copping out a bit here. I'm a sucker for people doing over-the-top things for the people they really like, and a sucker for Autumn Reeser, so the episode where she pretends to be a Sleep Therapist to woo Ryan makes the cut, but the series penultimate episode was good times as well (ok, so maybe the Seth and Ryan subplot where Ryan recounts his Newport days alone is the reason for this) but it was also nice to see Kaitlin being less and less of a lil' bitch and Sandy Cohen once again proving that he is the man.


8. The Graduates - The other good thing that came from season 3 (beside the obvious: season finale meant it was over) was that this episode marked series creator Josh Schwartz's reinvolvement with the show. By far a better season finale that season 2's Marissa shooting Trey nonsense (and I'll admit the use of Imogen Heap's a cappella cover of "Hallelujah" here swayed me) the episode also took the bold, but by the time the show aired not so surprising decision to kill off Mischa Barton's character. The show needed a big kick in the ass (I apparently wasn't the only one sick of the off-and-on Ryan-Marissa relationship) and it's debatable whether season 4 could wind up as good as it's been if Marissa had just disappeared to Jimmy Cooper's yacht instead of dying (thus freeing Mischa Barton to...wait has she been in anything, tv or film since The OC season 3?) but this episode remains the kick in the ass that woke up season 4.


7. The Telenovela / The LA - Another tie (I know, cop outs galore in this top ten), but for different reasons. The Telenovela features the great Seth-on-top-of-the-kissing booth-professing-his-feelings-to-Summer scene, one of the best single moments on the show, but I can't rank it higher because the Theresa plot just wasn't that interesting to me. On the other hand, the LA featured the nice pomo show-within-a-show device of The Valley (which would later get even more fancy when they threw in the Laguna Beach spoof The Real Valley) and some of the best meta-spoofing network TV'd seen since George Costanza and Jerry Seinfeld pitched NBC a "show about nothing" on Seinfeld...but it also contributed to Paris Hilton thinking she could act (and though the writers had fun spoofing her image, I'll bet you dollars to doughnuts thinks Gravity's Rainbow is something in her friend Kim Kardashian's sex tape, and not a Thomas Pynchon novel.)


6. The Summer Bummer - Taylor Townsend, reinacting 80s music video cliches (including Tawny Kitaen's classic work in Whitesnake's "Here I go again" video) while Butch Walker's "Hot Girls In Good Moods" plays in the background? I'm sofa king down with that. Add Kirsten and Sandy attempting to be surrage Seth's to Ryan to Seth's adventures in Rhode Island and you've got a winner.



5. The Chrismukk-huh? - Part of me was really tempted to bump the original Chrismukkah episode to this spot. After all, no subsequent Chrismukkah references could exist without the original episode that introduced us to the Seth Cohen-created bi-religious holiday. But that episode also ended with the unfortunate debut of Oliver (easily one of the worst characters the show's seen) and this season four episode, with an OC take on It's A Wonderful Life showing us an orange county where Ryan Atwood stayed in Chino, was Season 4's best episode.


4. The New Era - Seth wants to move on, Summer's moving on with Zach, Ryan wants to be just friends with Marissa. So Seth is set up with Lindsay, Ryan with Alex. It's obvious that this isn't how it should work, it's not Shaksespeare, and yet they pull it off. Plus I can sympathisize with Seth's ploy of getting tickets for Summer, and how, in love, or "crafty plans" can actually be painfully obvious ruses to everyone else. There was a lot of hope for season 2 in this episode (which they squandered by taking potentially round characters like Alex and Lindsay and flattening them into "possibly lunatic bisexual" and "whiny, insecure bastard offspring of Caleb Nichol") and showed that the teen characters stories could be about more than just the old Ryan-Marissa and Seth-Summer dynamics.


3. The Heartbreak - All the non-prexisting details of Seth and Summer's sex life come out in this episode; which also managed to be one of the few times in TV history where two major characters popped their cherries and there were no pregnancy scares, or Herpes outbreaks or anything else the Abstinence Only crowd the Bush Administration financial favors would like to see on TV. It was awkward, it was funny...it was realistic (bonus points for the great exchange between Seth and Sandy, especially Sandy's "we Cohens are very sexual beings" and Seth's response "what was that? Sorry I just threw up in my mouth a little.") Yep, Sandy Cohen may be TV's best dad.


2. The Escape - It all started here for me. I was skeptical at first, but by the Seth and Summer exchange over breakfast I was hooked. And I'll admit, part of it was a bit egocentric on my part: Seth Cohen, insecure--especially around women--but sarcastic, and a fan of bands most people hadn't heard of and Michael Chabon novels, reminded me a lot of myself (remember, this aired in 2003 and I didn't really get mostly past the insecurity thing until 2004). I was shocked at how well written it was, and how, unlike say 90210, the parents weren't just occasional figures to show up randomly. A good bit of pre-show backstory had been put into play here, and the writers did a deft job weaving the multple arcs of the children and adults so that by the time Ryan finds the passed-out Marissa, I'm pissed that I'll have to wait until after the World Series to find out what happened (which is probably just how they planned it.)


1. Rainy Day Women - It had it all--great use of music (Blind Melon playing during Seth and Ryan's hilarius exchange to open the episode), another of the series all-time great moments with Seth and Summer's spiderman kiss, and yes, because I am, after all, a guy, some great "experimenting" Marissa and Alex moments.

Share your own top 10, or berate my picks, in the comments...





BONUS Vid for those that like Butch Walker, The OC, and Scrolling to the bottom of blog posts:

These Are My Confessions...

It's Sunday, and even though I'm not Catholic, I figured some confession is good for the soul...etc.

Note: all confessions are related to TV.

















(Additional Confession: I've sung Usher songs both at Karaoke, and with a band.)

Confession the First: my television watching schedule can be rather easily influenced by a member of the opposite sex that I'm pretty interested in (and has demonstrated an interest in me).

Now, not every "chick show" I've gone on to enjoy even when watching by myself with no one to fool around with/talk with/make goofy faces with during the commercial breaks has been the result of a potential girlfriend/date. The OC (which ends this week and will get at least one blog post from me) had nothing to do with dating anyone (but, obviously, proved to be useful in conversation) and everything to do with me no longer having classes to study for and a friend who not only had no classes to study for, but at the time had been unemployed introducing it to us (it was the mini-first season finale, where Marissa wanders off in Tijuana and nearly dies).

But the following I did end up watching because of someone else:
Friends
Desparate Housewives
What About Brian

Confession, pt. 2: Noticably absent from the list--Grey's Anatomy. First, technically while I did watch a lot of the start of this current season with someone special, I actually started watching after the 2006 Superbowl, when Christina Ricci had to stick her hand in a guy's bomb-ladden stomach and George's fantasy was used as a shameless way to attrack male viewers disappointed in the lack of an ad equivalent to the Miller Lite Catfight Girls. And it was a cliffhanger, so I tuned into the next episode and...well, then the arc was over and I found I wasn't interested in watching more.


And perhaps the real reason for my bad luck with women isn't that I can push to hard for a relationship to soon (because I've had mind-numbing jobs that leave me with far to much free thought time to uber-obsess about whomever I'm seeing)...nope, it's maybe simpler than that. It's because not only have I not been watching Grey's (I either watch The OC and TiVo Scrubs/30 Rock or vice-versa...and the poor ol' DVR can't handle double recording duty. Neilson Ratings for Thursday nights at nine can confirm I'm quite special, as most of the US watches either Grey's or CSI) but when I noticed some blog posts and Facebook groups cropping up with the gist being "don't let Meredith die", my first thought is: I really don't care.

Some other blogs have already done a bang-up job exposing the near brobdingnagian levels of suspension of disbelief necessary to watch the show (and contains, somewhat inexplicably, a reference to Dr. Grey and "wet panties" that is 100% non-sexual.) But still think it's the characters that keep me from watching the show without being prodded by exceptionally pretty feminine charms (and at least in the case of the start of the season, she's smarter than me too, so I have to be careful about high-horse based claims, lest I look like even more of a McJackass.) The writing isn't bad...but...it doesn't have the comedic touch of the best moments of the OC or House (though this could be because no one in Grey's cast can touch the likes of Peter Gallagher, Hugh Laurie, or Melinda Clarke) and while it does have multi-episode arcs being developed (I've missed the Dr. Yang-as-Lady-MacBeth arc mostly, but was still watching it when it started, and, like Bobby DeNiro, I hear things...) they aren't as tautly integrated as the arcs on Desparate Houswives (which is really, really good at this) or other similar shows. The bulk of the arcs seem based on who's dating who, and even 30-minute medical comedies (Scrubs) do more arc-wise. But really, it comes back to the characters. Izzy made my top 10 mainly because I'm really picky--yes, even about tv girlfriends--but felt a need to provide a top 10.

It really starts with the title character though, and I don't get her appeal. For straight women her appeal is obvious: a job that is rewarding and provides (mostly) financial stability, plus hot doctors and a vet fighting over you and spouting great compliments and lines of love. But as a straight guy I don't see why they're fighting over her. I can't imagine having one of those great dates where we talk for longer than the run-time of Magnolia with it seeming like barely any time's passed. Sure the McAdjectivating is clever, and it's rare when TV characters admit to watching other TV shows, but I can't shake my gut feeling that she's a bit shallow and uniteresting and since she's the main character (unless they kill her off...some fans are anxiously scanning pre-production lists and imdb for Old School 2 and hoping Ellen Pompeo doesn't think she's better off in film) my interest isn't there in the show either.

















(Good dates should do even better than this pretty-kickass movie at making three hours fly by--and with less depressing elements too.)

But after the OC ends this week I think I may give her and her on-call cohabitating buddies another shot. One because I'm a sucker for second chances, and Two because I remember really disliking the characters on What About Brian the first few times I watched it too. Then I tuned back in one night (Florida was on their way to winning a national title game and I couldn't watch it) and I got hooked. Characters, like people, can be flawed but still interesting to watch, and jackasses and whiny punks can gain depths you didn't think were there before. And yes, it is a nice bonus that WAB now boasts potentially the most attractice female cast ever assembled, what with Sarah Lancaster, Stacy Keibler, Krista Allen, Amanda Detmer, Valery Ortiz, and now Tiffani Theissen (aka Kelly Kapowski).
















(Kelly Kapowski, the "perfect girl" from Saving Silverman, and the amazing legs of Stacy Keibler=just 3 reasons to tune into ABC Monday night.)

(And yeah, there's one more thing I'll have to get around to really give Grey's an honest second...well third...chance: it's a medical-based show bookended by voice-overs from the main character and the hospital staff sleeps around a good bit. You know, like Scrubs. So I've got to find a way to not compare the two. Tips are appreciated.)

My TV Girlfriends

It's Saturday afternoon, I should be cleaning and doing laundry, but instead, I'm going to shamelessly rip off an old blog post idea from Jamie...and, obviously, switch the gender around.

Taylor Townsend (The OC) - Why It'd Work: Taylor's probably an even bigger Lit Snob/nerd than I am. We could spend our Sundays alternating between doing the NY Times crossword together and hunting for grammar errors in Safire's On Writing column. We're both late bloomers (though technically I'm a later bloomer). Her affair with Dean Hess proved that an older guy isn't an issue (and the whole Henri-Michel thing proves a whole bunch of other things I'm not getting into here.) We both have unfortunate tendancies towards John-Hughes-RomComian Big Romantic Gestures.
Why It Wouldn't: Between the two of us we'd set a land-speed record for over-analysis after I went to stand outside her window with a boombox for our one month anniversy and she planned an elaborate stakeout at my apartment.

Dr. Elliot Reid (Scrubs) - Why It'd Work: We're both slowly but surely overcoming some long-standing insecurities. She's not just a really hot, smart doctor, she's also there for her friends. We both enjoy the works of William Shakespeare, and I'd clearly wow her with my karaoke skills.
Why It Wouldn't: Finding time to spend together would be difficult; and while I've said writing and/or music comes over any girl to myself and to friends, on two previous occassions a girl has wound up dominating my thoughts at the expense of one or the other. And when that's not returned, things fall apart.
Danni Sullivan (Scrubs) - Why It'd Work: Yeah she moves fast, but not without the right checkpoints (i.e. asking "are you as into this as I am?"). Fun, caring, and looks like Tara Reid before the hard partying and Taradise sent her career to a toilet on the hospital roof.
Why It Wouldn't: She apparently drinks and makes out with random guys at weddings. I doubt I could avoid other people's weddings forever, and that'd be that.
Summer Roberts (The OC) - Why It'd Work: She clearly has a thing for quirky, funny, slightly neurotic guys that enjoy books by Michael Chabon. She's driven and knows what she wants (well, mostly), and bucks the trend of California girls getting tiny, mostly hairless rats, calling them dogs and dressing them up in inane outfits. And calling the bunny "Pancakes" is irrisistably cute.
Why It Wouldn't: hit movie aside, I'm sorry, I'd make fun of Al Gore. And I like eating meat. Vegetarianism is one of my top 5 all-time potential-relationship enders.

Buffy Summers (if you can't figure out what show she's on...) - Why It'd Work: Remember when I was talking about expecting a girl to save me? She literally could. Demi-god-like powers wrapped in an incredibly pretty package; she's cunning, brave, caring and would be great on camping trips (because of the tents needing stakes...I know...I know).
Why It Wouldn't: I'd like to say I'd wind up attempting to be her better version of Riley...but let's be honest. Real-life vampires coming after me probably sends me the other way.

Anya (from Six Degrees) - Why It'd Work: She's passionate and gorgeous, and not commitment-shy, but also a great photographer. I'd prefer dating women with artisting leanings (music, writing, painting, etc.) versus those that don't.
Why It Wouldn't: I have no background in photography and she'd dump me to go after one of her inspirations. I guess...the show got cancelled/put on hiatus and her character's only sort of developed.
Bridget Keller (What About Brian) - Why It'd Work: Seriously? Dude, she looks like Krista Allen. The dimples, the cheekbones, the incredible booty...plus she has no qualms going after someone once she decides they're worth going after. As a guy who doesn't always make the first move, that's awesome.
Why It Wouldn't: she's dated a father, then his son. That's a bit icky. She's also shown some drama queen-tendancies.

Dr. Izzie Stevens (Grey's Anatomy) - Why It'd Work: We're both hopeless romantics and, while I've never played fast and loose with the Hippocratic Oath (or dated anyone with a heart condition for that matter), we both know that sometimes what makes sense to your head isn't the best option. Plus (and someone who hasn't been busy watching The OC and Scrubs at 9 on Thursdays who's seen the show lately correct me if I'm wrong) she's got a really ginormous check, so the whole worries about money thing wouldn't be doom for the relationship.
Why It Wouldn't: The love of her life hasn't been dead a year. People getting out of horrible breakups usually hope for a rebound at best...death? Plus the whole conflicting schedule hours problems I'd have with Dr. Reid.
Meadow Soprano (The Sopranos) - Why It'd Work: She looks a lot like Marissa Tomei (who I think is the bee's knees), plus, while she's smart, driven and competitive, she hasn't actually killed anyone herself...and clearly she's not too devoutly Catholic.
Why It wouldn't: Meeting dad could be worse than awkward...plus her brother's really, really annoying. It'd be even uglier if I asked if they had Johnny Cakes...

Sloan McQuewick (Entourage)-Why It'd Work:E's late season 2, most of season 3 girlfriend might be the type of girl that only exists in fiction: gorgeous, smart, from a ridiculously wealthy family, and OK with asking her hot best friend to join in a drunken, one-time-only threesome. She pulled strings with her dad to get E a big-time job offer, but supported him when he backed Vince (and less money) instead.
Why It Wouldn't: I've been in a situation where I thought someone was too amazing once before and damned if I didn't find a "flaw" and fuck that up. "Why are you with me?" isn't a good relationship question, and if that didn't happen, well...maybe I'd settle down with me perfect TV girlfriend and wake up one day with a tv wife...

Free Advice for Alabama

It seems like a broken record with both Bama fans and mediots regarding their coaching search. You can tell the two apart based on the nature of the whine, with the fans bemoaning “no good coach wants us, we’re not what we used to be” while the talking heads chuckle and say “Bama isn’t what they used to be (and they’re making it worse.)” (Side note: when it comes to all-time great college programs, Bama is on the short-list, along with Michigan and Notre Dame, and yet 10-win seasons from Bama don’t prompt the kind of over-the-top media fellatio that always accompanies a Notre Dame resurgence. I don’t know why, but it does happen, and it bugs me.)

For the uninitiated, let’s review the situation: Bama fired Mike Shula, obstensibly because he kept losing to Auburn (and any other team that was half-way decent on a regular basis) but also because his offense was so exciting it made plain vanilla seem like Naked Hot Tub Hour with Kate Huson and Jessica Alba.









(You didn't expect an actual hot-tub pick did you? They made me sign waivers, sorry. But damn it was good times...)


Mal Moore then went off on a campaign to get multiple coaches (Steve Spurrier, Rich Rodriguez) raises and, in the case of Rodriguez, facility improvements.

Quite the humanitarian that Mal Moore.

Problem is, none of that resulted in an actual coach for Bama.

What they do have (at least for now), and did have with Shula is a great defensive coordinator. Joe Kines, he of the reviled “bend-but-don’t-break, but-often-especially-against-UT-and-UF-fracture-spectacularly” defense at UGA, picked up quite a few new tricks during his stint as Chuck the Chest’s replacement at LBs coach at FSU, and Kines Ds at Bama were consistently great. Now sure, it’s possible that the higher-ups could’ve called Shula into the office, said “Mike, hire an OC” and be done with it, but then they’d be paying Shula for…what exactly?
















(No, not that OC...but if she isn't doing anything, I'm sure Mal Moore can offer Ms. Barton the job, and she can get a raise at whatever movie she's working on.) His game-day decisions appeared limited to staring at his shoelaces, his clock-management was poor (and didn’t seem to improve), and he was no Pete Carroll when it came to recruiting (hell, some Bama fans would say Carroll Kane was a better recruiter.)









(Here, Ms. Kane's husband, Miracle Max, pronounces the Bama Head Coach search only "mostly dead.")

It’s not mere coincidence then, that two of the top 3 choices on Bama’s “wish list” (Spurrier, Rodriguez) are coaches known for piling up points (meanwhile, Nick Saban is known both for defense, and looking eerily similar to Mr. Leland Palmer, Laura Palmer’s possessed-by-wendigoian-evil-spirit-BOB father in Twin Peaks. I realized this whilst watching Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me. While this may mean that Saban can influence possible recruits via backwards-talking dreams with flaming cards, midgets, and Kyle MacLachlan, he’s still unlikely to put up 50 points a game.)








(All he needs is a formica table top. Green is its color...)
But, humanitarian and friend of the barely-making-seven-figures-head-coach he may be, what Mal Moore hasn’t done is his homework. Let’s take the supposed first choice first: Steven Orr Spurrier, the Spawn of Satan himself. Terrorized the SEC during his glory days of the 1990s, currently terrorizing no one, but occasionally spooking or irking them, at South Carolina, and likely terrorizing many on golf courses near Columbia. A good fit for Bama? Maybe if they had convinced him to come to Tuscaloosa before the Mike Price debacle years ago (only problem: coach Fran was still pretending to like coaching a team on probation at the time). Now? Well, unless Mal Moore can offer Visor-Boy an Augusta National membership, he’s not interested, and his glory days are past anyway.

Rich (Must. Avoid. Obvious. Pun) Rodgriguez? He may have eventually become a great fit, but he was a lousy choice for 2007. See the inaugural year under Urban Meyer with Florida for a sneak peak at what a Rodriguez-coached Bama would’ve looked like: stout D and a clumsy offense hampered by a drop-back passer QB trying to run the option.

So what should Bama do? Send the private plane to Texas, load a pirate chest with booty (the gold doubloon kind, not the kind that fills out Bama coed-miniskirts under houndstooth hats…although the latter probably wouldn’t hurt, the NCAA and Legal System might have issues), and use every begging/negotiation strategy you can to convince Mike Leach to be the next head coach.















('Scuse me ladies, what's another word for 'Pirate Treasure'?)


Yes, that Mike Leach, head coach of Texas Tech. Often lumped by detracters into the same “gimmick offense” and “system QBs” derision as June Jones and Hawaii, or BYU and Houston back in the day. But remember this: Norm Chow fist got known tutoring passers at BYU, and his QBs seem to be doing well (see: Rivers, Phillip, Palmer, Carson and Leinart, Matt—and more on Chow a little later if he doesn't take a head coaching job soon).

Also, don’t forget that Urban Meyer’s O was called a gimmick, and, right up until he said “no thanks” some Bama fans accused the same of Rodriguez spread offense. Where Leach’s spread and the Meyer/Rodriguez spread share the “gimmick” insult from detractors, they differ in a key area: Leach’s spread has proven success in the SEC, Meyer’s hasn’t.

Leach, prior to becoming the Head Pirate at Texas Tech (and second-fiddle, popularity and media-attention-getting-wise to lightning rod Bobby Knight), was OC for Oklahoma (hold that thought), and prior to that, OC for Hal “Fear the mullet” Mumme’s best UK teams.

Leach took a former option QB in Tim Couch and made a big-time NFL draft pick out of him (and, since we’re limiting ourselves to college results, let’s leave it at that). Aside from NCAA rules violations, the other things that held UK back was lack of overall talent, and a good D. I mean, come on, it's Kentucky (wait, that stings to say...) Painfully reminders of the somewhat recent past aside, Leach had both with Stoops at OU and won a national title (beating their rival UT school by a spectacular margin of 63-14—go on Bama fans, imagine that margin of victory over a team with the initials UT for the Third Saturday In October.) At Texas Tech, Leach lacks the serious Oline, talent depth, and defense to contend for a national title, yet his teams are still able to occasionally beat OU, hang 70 on Nebraska, and scare Texas (and beat Coach Fran at Texas A&M), put up sick offensive numbers, and win over 8 games a year on average despite playing OU and UT yearly (and competing with both, plus LSU, Arkansas, TAMU, and others for good recruits.) He’s the closest thing to a mid-90s Spurrier, right down to the non-traditional coaching personality and lack of success his QBs have had in the NFL (however, it should be noted that none of his former protégés have stooped low enough to go on The Bachelor.)

Pair Leach with Kines, and you have a team that would stike fear in this UGA’s fan’s heart for 2007 (J.P. Wilson, a healthy Prothro, and DJ Hall, in a Mike Leach offense, with a top 10-caliber D, vs. Willie Martinez? I would be nervous.)

You want Bama back on the map? Give Leach talent and D: he’s shown already with OU that he can get big-time results, and quickly (I know you guys don’t have a lot of patience.) You’ve got great WRs and a good passing QB in place already. You’ve got Kines. Just add Leach. Now it’s true he says some odd things, often about Pirates, but come on—in a town where it seems everyone listens to Finebaum, and the sports pages have all the tact and restraint of, say the Boston baseball media, Leach is a perfect fit. It’ll be like Curt Schilling calling WEEI. Leach’ll probably call Finebaum weekly. And if you’re beating Tennessee 63-14, who cares?