Kill Phil Parts 1 & 2

Transcript of the trailer for Quentin Tarantino's new film Kill Phil:

DISPLAY CARD: October, 2006

EXT. Sanford Stadium, 2nd Half.
THERE'S CARNAGE ALL AROUND, AND WHAT WAS TO BE THE HAPPIEST DAY FOR THE DOGS HAS TURNED INTO A BLOODLETTING

ERIK AINGE
I know you think I'm a bastard, but trust me, this is me at my most beautiful.

*SHOT FIRED*

*FADE TO BLACK*

DISPLAY CARD: REUSE THAT KLINGON PROVERB ONE THAT WORKED SO WELL LAST TIME
2007
EXT. NEYLAND STADIUM. HALFTIME
FULMER
You didn't think it would be easy did you?
MARK RICHT
You know...for a second there...I actually did.

COMING THIS OCTOBER

And now, this week's edition:

The CUMBERLAND REPORT
This is a pretty easy worst-case scenario to envision at this point. It would be a repeat of last year's game, only the Dawgs would blow an even larger first half lead, and the Vols would score even more points. Think getting a full 4 TD lead or more, then losing by 7 TDs or something.

Erik Ainge has been the Anti-Clausen for the Vols. He was nothing special in 2004, but he didn't screw up either. SoCar's already proven that if you add that to either a D disrupting Georgia's offense enough, or if the Dawgs forget and take their stone hand gloves with them to Knoxville, well that can get you a win.

(Sadly Ainge does not come from Emu stock.)

Last year's incarnation of That Guy Who's Related To That Guy From The Celtics destroyed Georgia's D with the precision and gusto of John Madden attacking a Turducken following a hungerstrike. He was aided by a Georgia offense that apparently decided that for the second half, the football was hot potato.

(My memory of last year's UT game from about the 2nd half on.)

Turnovers, drops, and Erik Ainge doing what he's done all season could easily lead to a game where I turn away from the TV in disgust (or to vomit) early in the 3rd quarter or sooner. I can look at the stats that have UT dead last in scoring...but John Chavis has never fielded a completely inept, Cool Breeze/UGA 1999-level-sucky D. Ever. Even in the Vols 5-6 season they could stop folks. And just maybe Cal and Florida are a wee bit better on offense than the Dawgs.

Not to mention, word out of the AD office in Knoxville is "No coach's job hinges on this game," which is the AD speak equivalent to when the girl you're dating says "we need to talk," (particularly when not prefaced by your name or some cute little endearment like "baby.") The threat of getting fired just may work as motivation.

("And then your one goal is just to not get fired...")

The Rose-Colored Glasses View

But maybe, just maybe, since the Vols do return a tiny # of starters on D, and they haven't had the same starting 11 all year, and since even Arkansas State had a RB top the century mark against them (after a looooong stretch in which no RB did), there just might be some validity in their Defensive stats, despite the relatively tiny sample size.

UGA's O vs. UT's D is a Strength vs. Weakness matchup, as are UGA's return teams vs. UT's kick coverage.

In addition to turnovers creating short fields for Ainge nearly all second-half long, UT also had three great WRs, and UGA had slow LBers. Those WRs have graduated and moved on to the NFL, and UGA has a much faster front 7, particularly with Washington seeing less time.

UT's players have also not responded well to adversity in previous seasons in which things turned south. In a way this could be a reverse of the 2005 season, in which the D began to resent the hapless O. Ainge and Coker and co. could come to hate a sieve-like D for not holding a lead (though it should provide an excellent chance at stat-padding.)

(Keri Russel is cautiously optimistic about the Dawgs' chances Saturday.)

The speedy D should do just enough to slow down Ainge and the passing game while mostly keeping the Vols from the hideous checkerboard end zone. Brown and Moreno should once again make the play-action game a major threat, and if Sean Bailey, Mikey Henderson, or Demiko Goodman start catching some deep passes, it could be a great day for the Dawgs.

I Need Words Stronger Than Hate

Let's talk a bit, you and I, about hate.

It's a fun word to toss around in College Football, because, even if you include Red Sox-Yankees, or Broncos-Raiders, or I dunno, some big hockey rivalry I couldn't care less about (partially because it seems the NHL season lasts from September-til-late-July/early August and I wish sports I actually liked had 11 month+ seasons, as opposed to the four months+change for college football or the more-or-less seven MLB offers if your team makes the postseason. Well, actually baseball season's about the right length.) Around here when we say "hate" we mean it.

For example, I am a Georgia fan.

I hate Florida.

I hate the fact that the vast majority of their fan base has a collective memory shorter than a GOP staffer (well, that might be a bit harsh: Florida fans don't believe football existed prior to 1990, whilst most diehard GOPites reflect so fondly on the Reagan 80s I'm sure their memories look Photoshopped.)

I hate Urban Meyer's smug+smarmy personality, and the fact that his take on player discipline is so lax that when Bobby Bowden gets on the Internets and the eBays to read about it, even he's shocked.

I hate Tim Tebow; for having such a ridiculous last name (yeah, yeah, I know I'm in kind of a glass house position on that); for seemingly epitomizing the streotypical dumb jock in that he "just wants to win" and "doesn't shy away from contact" (while no mention is made of time in the film room--I'm convinced Tebow's about as literate at actually reading a defense as Quincy Carter was, a memory that makes me hate him more.)

Plus he looks like Rex Grossman, whom I also hate (not so much for shredding the UGA D in 2001--that was to be expected, and shredding our pass D alone doesn't inspire hate, as I bear no ill will towards Jerad Lorenzen--but for dinking and dunking us--with help from an offense rendered timid after Shockley's pick 6--out of the 2002 National Championship hunt.

I hate South Carolina for looking average at best since they beat us, and for bringing up a litany of "how did we lose to these douchebuckets again?" almost every time I seen them play.
I also hate them for hiring increasingly reprehensible and annoying coaches, first Holtz, then SOS himself, and also for not raising a big enough stink about Holtz getting them on probation that ESPN would've said "maybe we shouldn't hire this guy..."

I hate Tech for their general collegiate outlook (Viz., that whole "you didn't graduate, you got out" mentality. Of course I've never understood picking a major based solely on potential earnings, regardless of whether you like what you'll be doing. And I also think that if it's that miserable, maybe, just maybe, you're not quite as smart as you thought you were.)

But atop the "hate list", the Great Ziggurat Of Hate (construction on hold thanks to a tanking dollar in such shoddy shape the Canadian dollar is almost its equal) is the team the Dawgs pay a visit to this Saturday afternoon.

If I had to trace this to its roots, I'd only be going back nine years (confession: I'm relatively new to obsessing over sports and fandom. Prior to 1997 I was the guy who would watch big games on tv, such as the 93 FSU-Notre Dame game, and the occasional bowl game, but that's it. At best I was a slightly above lukewarm Braves fan, and my die-hard love of the Hawks ended when 'Nique and Spud Webb were gone.)

This was going to be the year the UT win streak ended (something current students and recent grads may not remember, but UT won more games in succession vs. UGA than any team: even surpassing Goff+Donnan's run of futility against Spurrier.) The Dawgs had knocked of a highly ranked (at the time--it turned out 1998 was also the year LSU fans started coming around to the idea that DiNardo was a lousy coach) LSU team the week before. Tennessee had already lost Peyton Manning to the NFL, and the running back who'd destroyed the Dawgs in Knoxville the previous season, Jamal Lewis, injured his knee against Auburn and would not play in Athens. Tee Martin's play at QB early in the season was about as stellar as UGA's 2006 passing game in the 1st half of the season. ESPN Gameday was coming to Athens.

I had secured tickets near the 50-yard line, on the lower level. It was going to kick ass. I turned down an offer of $275 for my ticket, because I didn't want to miss the Dawgs finally beating UT.

It didn't work out quite as planned, and worse, I was close enough to the UT sideline to see them laughing and jawing with fans. It was the first time I'd seen the Dawgs lose, and it wasn't even as close as the final score (as opposed to The Game That Shall Not Be Named from 2006). If given an extra 8 quarters, the UGA offense might have scored 10 points. Maybe. But probably not. And I hated the players. It took me until 2000 to really understand why so many of my fellow Dawg fans hated Fulmer. But once you see it, it doesn't go away: to Fulmer, UT never gets beat. The other team? Never outplays them. "They" make mistakes (not the coaching staff, "they.") It's that increasingly unjustified air of infallibility about UT and Fulmer that has me digging for words stronger than hate this week. On a rerun of Scrubs they used "megaloathe." That'll do for now.

I megaloathe UT. I wish them ill. I'll say more, but rather than quote from Chappelle's Show anymore, but here, just click this and watch (as I don't think Comedy Central's a fan of letting folk embed vids on their blogs.)

A Tale Of Two Oranges

Most of the sports world (from Tony Barnhart in yesterday's AJC, to Kirk Herbstreit...and undoubtedly, Heismanpundit) are raving about the "genious" (misspelling sic to show ignorance of average CFB pundit) of the spread offense, and washing the "seedhouse" of Tebow (who may enjoy such things--not that there's anything wrong with that), overlooked in all this is that Florida wasn't exactly strafing a Steel Curtain-level defense here.

Combined, Cal and Florida scored over 100 points (or close to it, if you discount the special teams/fumble-recover TDs) and over 1,000 yds. of offense (which doesn't count the aforementioned non-offensive yards). That's bad for the Vols, but possibly the result of facing two buzzsaw offenses right? That's what ESPN says (well, mainly they gloss over Cal's totals because Tedford doesn't have Urban's Q Rating.) But Southern Miss, hardly on anyone's radar as a potential offensive juggernaut coming into the season, averaged the same yards per pass as vaunted UT QB Erik Ainge, and scored more points in the 1st half against the Vols than they did against the other UT, UT-Martin. UT's last losing season was somewhat salvaged (re: they were only a couple games under .500 when, in a perfect world, UT and Florida alternate beating each other for their lone win of the season) by a stout Defense. But maybe, just maybe, Chavis has either lost his mojo, or the drop from Top 5 to Top 15 (on average) recruiting classes has caught up with the Vols.

If this does wind up being Chavis's worst D, the Vols need to be reevaluated in a new light: they're the 2007 season's homage to Hal Mumme's UK teams. Far-fetched? Maybe, maybe not. UK had speedy, but not future NFL 1st round-picks hauling in passes from a pro-style QB. With the new WRs being broken in, Erik Ainge abely plays the Tim Couch role (with the years wasted under Randy Sanders not quite equaling the dumbassery of Bill Curry having Couch run the option), and while he's several doughnuts shy of being Jared Lorenzen's size, Fulmer is an able stand-in. Coker plays the Derek Homer, good-but-only-against-lesser-Defenses runningback role. And the D? Well, 41 points per game, and just under 460 ypg sure looks like an old UK stat line circa 1999 or so doesn't it?

And yeah, maybe this is just a Florida-hating Georgia fan (who has serious qualms about his team's offense producing on any consistant level) rationalizing away Florida's big win. But I was right about Tech and Boston College wasn't I?

Friday's Half-Assed Approach to Foundation Repair

No extended preview for tomorrow's UGA game.

The Dawgs are playing a I-AA team not named AppState, so really, the only way I see them losing is catastrophic levels of injuries to our starters, and I don't want to think about that.

Ideally, the Dawgs will score more than Matt Leinhart during his final year at USC (well, in theory dude should've pulled more kitty than the ASPCA, more ass than a toilet seat, and if you need a third example for the sake of comedy, let's just say it ends with "than a movie store that only stocks copies of Guy Ritchie's second movie.") And also, Boston College reminds the AJC and everyone else that Tech hasn't played anyone yet by hopefully beating them like Freddie Quimby was alleged to do to a Frenchman that "mispronounced" the word "chowder." And Florida loses, in 85 OTs, to a EweT squad, with both teams so decimated by injuries the last 8 OTs are simply backup QB hero Jim Bob Cooter vs. the Florida waterboy (carrying Tim Tebow's severed pinky toe for luck.)

If you want content, check back Sunday night.