An Election Post (Surprise, Surprise)

Sorry about the lack of updates folks. Some things I guess I’ve just been scared of writing about (but I promise I will write about them soon). In the meantime, I’m going to weigh in with a nice fluff piece on politics just in time for the election.

The problems with this election and the general state of politics in America today are so numerous that I really didn’t know where to begin, so I just wrote them out on a little squares in a football field and had a cow patty lottery to decide where to start (well, not really, but some non-Southern readers should be exposed to the Cow Patty Lotto at some point, and what better day than election day. I'll pause, by way of this filler sentence, to let the Election-as-cow-patty-lotto-metaphor sink in.)

The biggest problem (or load of cow manure) is that so many people see only two choices for President. That’s not the case and hasn’t been the case for many elections. It's not an either/or situation folks.

Where this gets really mind-boggling is when you run into one of John Kerry’s supporters who, when asked why he or she is voting for Kerry, replies “because he’s not Bush.”

Wow.

How profound.

Aren’t I glad there’s no IQ requirement to vote.

There are millions of people in the United States who “aren’t Bush”. Hell, I’m not Bush, why isn’t anyone voting for me?

Ah, it’s been brought to my attention that I’m not old enough. In that case, I hereby say why not vote for Mr. T? He’s a US citizen, born in the US even, and he’s over 35. Plus, he’s “not Bush.” If terrorists threaten America, we could have the 1st press conference in White House history where the phrase “pity the fool” is uttered. Then the A-Team could take them out easily, with zero bloodshed.

The cynical take on the Kerry campaign is that he’s run on two issues: 1. He served in Vietnam. 2. He isn’t George W. Bush. What I can’t figure out is if this odd campaign strategy is because Kerry and his staff simply don’t think potential voters can handle anything more than “purty pikturs” and small soundbites, or because they’re colossal morons, because believe it or not Kerry actually has more than the above to run on. The biggest goof the Kerry camp’s made so far is that the man was the head of a Senate subcommittee on terrorism in the 80s and I can't recall this being mentioned ONCE in any of his ads. Bush says “you’re soft on terrorism”, there’s your counter John. It’s not difficult.

Not that the “nutshell” version of Bush’s campaign is any better. “A vote for my opponent is a vote against our troops, against America, and for terrorism.” What sound, well thought out logic. Plus there’s that whole “win the war on terror” thing. Is waging war against a concept, an ideal, an abstraction really what we want our tax dollars going for? At least The War on Drugs was against something more tangible (Note: and look how well we’re doing in that war).

To make matters worse, both sides have supporters with some seriously large inanimate (or possibly animate, who knows) objects lodged in their respective rectums. I seriously think that the results of this election will spur either an onset of violence or a rash of suicides because extremists on both sides have whipped up such animosity towards their opponents. Of course, being that our “debates” feature short answers and our news analysts are mostly arguing talking heads, maybe this polarization shouldn’t be such a surprise. But when you couple a dumbed-down populace with antagonistic politics, it’s making for a messy election. Let’s just hope 2004 doesn’t become a “vote, then die” election.

Postelection edit: South Park's "Giant douche or Turd Sandwich - which do you like best" should be the election's theme song. Also, congrats if you voted, even though your vote still probably did not really count.