Monday, June 12, 2006

Center, Passes to Halfback, Passes to Center, Center Holds It...Holds It...

Ah the World Cup.

To me, the FIFA World Cup is the sports equivalent to that girl all your friends tell you would be great for you, but when you ask why they start of with "well, she's got a great personality."

I'm sure futbol is nice. I love the rabid fan devotion (well, to a point: beating the orange-loving-shit out of Auburn fans might have seemed like a good idea after UGA-AU last year, but it would just get you thrown in jail and then things would be done to you that resemble what Mike Adams does to die-hard UGA fans. Or, to spell it out, you'd be fucked in the poop chute, and not metaphorically speaking. Though who knows what Mike does in his spare time--not that there's anything wrong with that. Or that I'm insinuating.)

I love the drama from stop time at the end. I love that the points really really count, even after the game is over. I love how, at least from the waist up, none of the guys playing look to be in that much better shape than I do (note: it's a good thing you can't see cardiovascular fitness by looking at someone--though extreme lack of it is easy enough to spot.)

I love the patriotism even.

But I can't bring myself to obsess over it. For one thing, there's the French. They've won this whole thing, and recently. France does several things well: The French New Wave, Bridgett Bardot, Cunnilingus, kissing, fashion, food. Sports is not on that list to me.

(Side note: I need a research assistant to see if France has won any NFL Europe titles).

So there's that. Plus all the usual bullshit about ties and hyperbolic rants about "commie sport" etc. Which I don't totally believe, but enjoy anyway. Because die-hard soccer fans with their dander up are just cute. Like little angry chinchillas.

I think maybe this whole once every four years thing is the root cause. In baseball, if the Sox suck, there's a next game. If they tank, there's always next season to look forward to. After the US got wholloped by the Czechs (note: copyeditors making lame puns after this game should be ashamed. Save those puns for when they're really needed. Like a South Carolina-Oregon bowl game. In the rain.) they've got only a few games left to right the ship. If not, it was a four-year wait to watch a couple painful games and four more years to hear about "this will be the year America" (note: they mean the US...and possibly Canada...Brazil and company down in South America probably care) "cares about futbol."

So win guys, or so help me I'll start watching the NBA playoffs.

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