Sunday, October 15, 2006

"And don't you dare use a deus ex machina"

("And no intelligent audience will believe a Defensive Coordinator giving an 8-yard cushion on a 4th & 5!)

McKee advised Kauffman against the god in the machine ending because it just doesn't happen in life. And I'll admit, at that point I was expecting Zeus himself to pull a Cymbeline and show up to save the Kauffman brothers, but in regards to the Georgia football team, not even an unexpecting animal mauling (no way to I name the animal) of one of our assailants is likely to help out.

I'm trying to care that there's a game next weekend and after the past two weeks, I'm finding this harder to do than Star Jones's husband performing his maritals. As Token said after watching what he thought was "Lord of the Rings": "I'm out."
"What'd you see at these games?"
"I don't know, I don't want to know. I'm out."

("Five midgets, spanking a man covered in thousand island dressing" Still makes more sense than the way the Dawg's roll out the red carpet for opposing teams inside the 20.)

And the sad thing about it is, the team does appear to have an identity this year: it's just that we don't want to admit that "timid, bordering on gutless, but also a bit soft" is an identity. Harsh? Damn right...but in the past two weeks two things that haven't occured since the final two years of Ray Goff went down right here in Athens. But unlike 94-95, there's talent here, and a head coach that can offer more postgame insight than "we're working hard to get butter."

(Ray Goff's Moby Dick was slightly less white and blurbery, and tastes great.)

So, how do they improve from the trainwreck we've seen? Here's my take (and feel free to consider this a resume and application for Defensive Coordinator. Give me $75,000 a year and even if we keep giving up TDs, you'll at least save some money.)

1. Grow a pair on both sides of the ball. To borrow from cheerleaders everywhere "b-e a-g-g-r-e-s-s-i-v-e". If we're going to lose to the likes of Vanderbilt, odds are we're going to lose some more before the season's out. Let's at least go down swinging, biting, clawing and pissed off. No more delayed draw runs on 3 & anything more than 3 yards. More passes longer than 12 yards. No more JTIII unless we're up by 4 TDs and Stafford needs a rest. No more soft zone coverage. I want bump and run, blitzs coming from all areas. If we get burned, we get burned. But the opposing team isn't going to be quite comfortable. Punch some folks in the mouth (but not literally.)

2. Play the youngsters. If they're going to reshirt, let them practice more, but if not...get them more snaps. Ellerbe might not know the D as well as some of the other linebackers, but if he's more athletic...turn him loose. Get Prince Miller and Asher Allen out there.

3. Shake up the coaching staff. I get the feeling that in some odd way, Richt sees Dr. Eason in some avuncular capacity, due to their old days at FSU. But I can't think of a single WR that's improved since arriving to Athens under his tenure. Get WRs that catch the ball, I think suddenly the playcalling becomes less of an issue (example: the playcalling in the 1st half vs. UT was great...the second half was questionable, but how much of that was just UT realizing "wait a minute, that guy's passing on us?" and clamping down). Fire/demote Willie/Jancek. Luring a Georgia grad like Will Muschamp back to Athens is probably a stretch (espcially after he redeemed himself by shutting down Florida yesterday), but who knows, maybe VanGorder isn't that happy in Statesboro. Maybe they'll hire a man with no coaching experiance and an English Degree from UGA. UT is a good example of what rehiring a great coordinator can do, turnaround wise (and they lost to Vandy too.)

4. Do not, under any circumstances, lose at home to Tech. I don't care if we lay down and lose by 40 to Mississippi State next week and Tech wins the ACC running away. Do NOT lose at home to the nerds.

5. (Related to all of the above): Damnit, this is Georgia Football. If you came to sit back, be soft, not make tackles, not catch the football, not block, not hold onto the ball, and play bad football, there should be no place for you. Get mad! Listen to the man, and apply it:

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